Monday, January 18, 2010

Why Does This Bother Me?

The question I have been dealing with a lot in the past few weeks is why all this is bothering me so much. When Pete and I first began the TTC journey, I thought I would be fine with waiting if things took a while. After all, there are distinct benefits to being child-free--and not pregnant. That was only seven months ago. Seven months is hardly anything to be concerned about. And we have even less to be concerned about than most because we've only had one honest go at the baby-making thing, since my body has been so sluggish.

So why all the angst? Yes, part of it is because I project things into the future and fear the worst--that we will keep trying and trying and never actually achieve a pregnancy. But I realized this weekend that this kind of irrational fear is only a part of my emotional turmoil. I'm actually pretty good at putting that out of my mind and talking some sense to myself.

When I get the most upset is simply when we hear news of another couple that's pregnant. There is something deeply ingrained in me that sees everyone else only in comparison to me. Whenever another couple gets pregnant, I feel like an 8-year-old whose friends have decided to start a secret club and leave her out. I feel like my friends who have gotten pregnant and have had babies have some secret knowledge from which I am excluded. I also feel like there's some race going on to have kids, and I've missed the starting line.

All this leads to me being unable to really rejoice with my friends when they get pregnant. And I hate that about myself. I have struggled and prayed and wrestled so many times over the past few years, longing to be free to really be happy for the announcements. Instead, my heart sinks every time I hear another one, and my initial reaction is that I don't want to talk to them. Or if I do talk, I want to tell them about what I'm going through.

So there it is. The ugly truth about my self-centered heart. Usually the struggles of infertility are portrayed as being mostly about the longing for a child. For me, the longing for a child is coupled with--and often dwarfed by--the envy and anger at all the fertiles out there.

On a practical side, I'm on CD 22 of what will be my third natural cycle. I got really excited a few days ago because I was having lots of signs of ovulation, but they seem to have subsided a bit now. DH leaves on a 12-day trip on January 29, which will be CD 33 for me. CD 33 is when I ovulated last time, so I'm really, really hoping and praying that my cycle is at least the same length and ideally shorter this time. As usually, nothing I can do but wait and see.

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