Even Dodgier than Expected

After the unexpected positive OPK last Sunday, my ovulation played out even more unexpectedly. I woke up Monday morning with a 97.8 temp, and after the 96.9 on Sunday, I simply assumed that I had ovulated. P and I debated about whether to have sex again that night but decided it was probably too late to make a difference, so we decided not to worry about it. Then, I woke up Tuesday with my temp back down to 96.9! I was so confused--and kicking myself for not OPKing on Monday. I spent a couple of days really concerned that my body had tried to ovulate and failed. But my temp was up to 97.7 on Wednesday and has gone up since. So I did ovulate at some point. I just really have no idea when between CD 21 and 23.

I am now officially 3-5 dpo. How the hell am I supposed to know when to POAS? I guess I don't need to decide that now. What I do need to figure out is when to go in to get me progesterone test. I had all these great plans of going in first thing in the morning at exactly 7 dpo to catch it at the highest possible level. But now I have no idea when 7 dpo will be. My best plan is to go in on Monday, which will be probably either 6 or 8 dpo--right in the middle of the suspected 7 dpo range. I'm sure it won't make a huge difference in any case. If my progesterone is low, it's going to be low no matter when I go in.

I did start on the progesterone suppositories today. I hear they don't affect your bloodwork too much, so I'm hoping they don't skew the results of the test. I've started to have cramps today that feel very similar to the past couple of two-week waits, which is a little discouraging. But I guess nothing would have implanted at this point anyway, so I should expect things to be the same.

I'm just reminding myself to be thankful. I am ovulating on my own, and I only had to get to a BMI of 19.5 for that to start happening. Even if my ovulations haven't been great, at least they're happening. And the clomid didn't shorten things up. These are really good signs.

And Pete and I were talking last night about how these extra months of me working full-time have definitely been a financial boost. We ended up with quite a few more big expenses at the end of last year than we expected when we first decided we were ready to have a baby. So I know God has been working through the timing. But God, really, this cycle would be the perfect timing! I would have the baby at the beginning of December, which means I could keep working through the middle of November. Then I could just go ahead and quit, and we could be ready to head over to Beijing for 3 months P's exchange program at the end of January. I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job while there to give me something to do. I could just take care of the wee one and take full-time language classes. If this cycle doesn't work, we will probably have to adjust the whole time-line for the exchange program, as I would be very hesitant to go that far within a few weeks of having a baby, and definitely hesitant to have the baby in Beijing. Not because I don't trust Beijing hospitals but because I really don't want to be in labor under the care of doctors and nurses who don't speak English! So really, God. This has to be the one.

Oh Familiar Jealous Anger

I think every infertility blogger has a post on this topic. That awful jealousy. That inability to really rejoice with our friends who get pregnant. That ugly sense of injustice.

This is where I think infertility has a lot in common with unwanted singleness. I have friends who are still single and desperately long to be married. I have always been so grateful that I met my now-husband in college and really didn't have to spend any time wading through the uncertain loneliness some of my friends have to deal with. And hearing news of engagements without being able to be really happy. I had enough trouble with friends of mine who started dating long after us, got engaged the week after us, and decided to get married the month before us. Of course, these friends are also due with their first baby in April. And, though they haven't said it, they probably believe that our infertility is due to the fact that we (gasp!) eat beef that isn't grass-fed and chicken that isn't free-range organic. Yes, they are those kind of friends. You can see why I'm keeping this blog anonymous.

Back to the jealousy. I just found out (on facebook, of course) that good friends of ours are due with their second. Already on their second. And she's younger than me. Of course. And they got pregnant "sooner than expected." Of course.

I'm a committed follower of Jesus. Does this simplify or complicate the feelings of jealousy and sense of injustice? I can't decide. On the one hand, Jesus affirms me that it is unjust. This world is broken, and so our bodies are broken and don't work the way they're supposed to. If the world were as it should be, we would all be fertile. And he hurts for me because he loves me and doesn't want to see me in so much pain. Cries for the barren woman are all over the Bible. Moreover, he promises that one day, all the brokenness will be gone and the emptiness filled.

On the other hand, I know that the jealousy isn't entirely okay. It's selfish and ugly. God has the right to give other people babies within their first month of trying, and he has the right to make me wait. I can't free myself of the ugly feelings. I'm stuck. But he can. In fact, though he doesn't promise me a baby, he promises me freedom. So I pray and wait for the freedom while I pray and wait for the baby.

Ups and Downs

It continually amazes me how filled with ups and downs this whole infertility journey is. And not just little hills, we're talking the Andes. Of course, that's partially the nature of who I am--I am not one of those emotionally steady people, like my mom or my husband. No sir. No steadiness here. Fortunately, I have lived long enough to know this about myself and realize, whether I'm on the peak or in the valley, that, for better or worse, my current emotional state will not last long. This self-knowledge helps. A little bit.

After feeling pretty great all week, I suddenly crashed yesterday. Admittedly, only a small part of my crash had to do with IF. More of it was related to how frustrated I was about my seemingly chronic sneezy/stuffiness, the boredom I'm feeling with my current job, and the fact that my husband is leaving tomorrow for 12 days, leaving me alone with my emotional instability.

My sudden high temperature this morning did not help at all. Here's the latest irony of infertility for me: during the follicular phase, my moods are the inverse of my temperatures. During the luteal phase (especially at the end), my moods echo my temperatures. I was feeling pretty good about my 96.9 yesterday morning. But 97.8 this morning? What the heck? If I had had a positive OPK yesterday, all would be well. But no positive. And I think it's highly unlikely that I totally missed my surge. So I'm starting to think the big O may still be a ways a way, and probably too late for DH's swimmers to make it.

To top that off, there have now been two girls who joined our hypothalamic amenorrhea forum after me who have now gotten their BFPs. I'm so, so elated for both of them. But now I'm officially one of the more veteran members on the board. It's kind of a weird transition, and it makes me even more ready to make the transition to the vets board with them. I just have to keep reminding myself that I joined the board and made the necessary changes much earlier than most of them, so all of them have still been TTC longer than I have. I am in no race!

Yet again, I am losing all my earthly sources of stability--promising signs of O, health, busyness, my husband. All I've got left to make it through the next few weeks is God. Thank you, God, for being far bigger than all these.

The Place Where You Hurt the Most

I was just reading Scott Grant's sermon from last week and came across this line: "The place where you hurt the most, then, may be the place where you have the most to offer." Lord, I can only pray that one day you will use the pain I'm going through now for the benefit of someone else.