Day 34 and Counting

I kept putting this post off because I keep hoping for a positive OPK, so I can jump on and give some good news. But still no positives, and still no temperature rise. However, my boobs have been pretty sore for the past few days, and I feel like I have a large follicle or two ready to burst. So, like I said, I keep expecting that dark second line every day. I will actually be pretty impressed with my body if I get it tomorrow day 35, as that's exactly when I got a positive on my last natural cycle.

I did have another lovely appointment with my darling acupuncturist Katy on Saturday--despite the fact that I was never able to really relax on the table for some reason. She was also a bit surprised that I hadn't ovulated yet, but she said that perhaps this could be my body's normal cycle. What will be more telling, in my opinion, is whether I get a normal-length luteal phase this round. My very first cycle after the pill (which was, like, a 150-day cycle or something insane like that), my LP was 9 days. I've been on progesterone suppositories every cycle since then, since my progesterone keeps measuring low. But Katy wants me to go all natural this time and see what my body will do with all Yang-warming herbs and needles. I'm a little nervous about that--I mean, what if an egg gets fertilized but then gets sloughed off too early because my period comes too soon? But I'm inclined to do what she says. Maybe, just maybe, my luteal phase will do what it's supposed to. Is that too much to ask?

I have to keep reminding myself that chinese medicine is not an instantaneous fix. It takes several months to really work for most people who get pregnant with it. My body has been off-kilter for a long time, so it only makes sense that it will take a while for it to get...um, on-kilter. I'm choosing this route because I'm young and really have no objective reason to be as anxious as I am to get pregnant. And besides the fact that an RE would be astronomically expensive for us, which would interfere with all that we have planned for ourselves in the coming years, I also don't mind the idea of being able to avoid the insanity of medical fertility treatments.

But I do mind the idea of waiting longer to join the pregnancy club. More on that is coming soon...

I Am Eeyore. Hear Me Whine.

I had several great ideas for posts today, but I think the best I can do is start one of them and save it in draft form. There's no way it's getting finished before I go to bed tonight.

Instead, this is what I have for you.

Take that adorable sheepish smile off his (or her? what's with the pink bow?) face, and that's where I am today. Ready to run away and quit this whole trying to conceive thing. If I could find a world in which pregnant women did not exist, I might be able to pull it off. But I'm afraid that world went extinct a while back and I'm left in this fertile breeding ground.

I have no good reason for wanting to quit. I haven't even been to an RE, for crying out loud. As far as I knew, there's very little that's actually wrong with me. And no reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant on my own within the next year.

But after the 16th negative OPK in a row (I don't even start until CD14), and after checking my cervix only to find lots of gloppy but little stretchy, I just feel like I can't take the unending suspense any longer.

And what does Ceejay like to do when the going gets tough? Quit. I've never claimed to be a tough person, so no, adversity does not just make me want to dig in and try harder. It makes me want to escape.

It's not just a matter of waiting to ovulate. It's also that I fear that until I get my cycles shorter, I have very little chance of conceiving. I know many women have conceived with long cycles. But since my mid-luteal phase progesterone levels have been below 5 each of the three times I've had them checked, I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with my cycles. And that it won't be fixed until I start ovulating sooner.

Of course, it could be that my luteal phase issues are actually somewhat separate from my slow ovulation issues, right? I'm sure they're both connecting to my hypothalamic amenorrhea. But maybe my ovulations have been fine in their reluctant slowness, but I just don't produce enough progesterone? And we can attribute the thus-far lack of success to the low progesterone?

The thing is, I just can't shake the feeling that the low progesterone is tied to my long cycles and thus indicative of a fundamental ovulation problem. Therefore, this cycle is already doomed since I'm on day 30 with no ovulation in sight. And since my body is showing no signs of speeding up (this is my fourth natural cycle where ovulation has been past day 30), I'm doomed forever.

This is right about where I start thinking more seriously about adoption because I'm so certain a pregnancy isn't going to happen.

The really stuffy/sneezy/runny/itchy nose I have right now isn't helping. I don't have seasonal allergies, and I'm not sick. But every few weeks, my nose randomly goes into mucus-producing overdrive. It lasts a miserable day or two and then subsides. And I simply cannot figure out what the cause is. Any ideas? A good dose of sudafed will usually kick it. But I care too much about my cervical mucus right now to risk drying it up with decongestants. So suffer I will.

That's it. Finished with my eeyoric whining. And yes, I did just coin that word: eeyoric. I kind of like it. Feel free to spread it and popularize it wherever you live. Until next time!

Update: Since Josey & Kelly just asked really good questions, I guess I should clarify where I am for my new followers, so you understand what my whining's all about at least a little better. I am fairly certain that I will ovulate at some point this cycle, so it's too early to give up and try to force a new cycle with provera. I have taken provera before when I hadn't had a period in months, and it actually didn't work for me--no period. I think it would work now, since I have gained weight and am actually cycling, but, like I said, I still probably am on my way toward ovulation, slow as it's going. As for the RE--no, I haven't seen one yet. Our insurance covers zero percent of all things infertility-related--not even the visit with the RE. My OB has worked with me some--at least through the basic bloodwork and ultrasound. But for right now, I'm going the traditional chinese medicine route with acupuncture and herbs, hoping it will get my cycles back on track eventually.

Was It Too Much to Ask For?

Was it really too much to ask that I might get a tiny piece of good news with my latest bloodwork? That I might have a progesterone level of, like, 25? I would even settle for 10. Or 9 for that matter. But 4.5? The lowest yet? I just don't understand.

Not that I think I deserve a small piece of good news for any special reason. I am well aware that my infertility journey thus far has been both brief and easy compared to many. And I realize that low progesterone during the luteal phase is hardly an insurmountable problem. And that luteal phase defect is very common among recovering HAers.

Still. I had high hopes that the clomid would have helped this time. And even such a small problem can feel insurmountable to me because I don't understand what could be causing it. Because I can't see an RE or get any monitoring. All I can do is consult Dr. Google and my wonderful community of fellow HAers on our message board.

Of course, there is a silver lining that has kept me from being completely depressed today. There is a very good chance that since I was on clomid, and since I ovulate before day 23, that my ovulation was complete and mature. My OB mentioned to me last time that such low progesterone could be indicative of an "insufficient ovulation," whatever that means. But since it's still low this time, I guess the problem is most likely isolated to the luteal phase and a weak corpus luteum. Thank God, I did go ahead and start inserting the lovely progesterone suppositories up my vagina last week, so I should be on track to have a luteal phase that's as long as it should be. And Dr. Google did reveal to me a number of other cases of women who had low progesterone and got pregnant and had healthy, full-term babies.

Still. I can't shake the feeling that if this were going to be THE cycle, my progesterone would be higher. It's just a feeling. Silly intuition. But I can't shake it.

7 more days before I can test with confidence.

The Obligatory Update

I've been super busy these past couple of days, which is the reason for the lack of blog communication. But, I promised myself I would at very least keep a basic record of my progress here, so I'm popping on for that update.

I'm on CD 17 today after my first crack at 50mg of clomid (to correct the lpd). I'm hoping, hoping, hoping for an earlier ovulation than the past two cycles. I have been warned that it could actually take longer, which seems weird. But I'll try not to freak out if it does. As long as it's a good ovulation this time and I have higher progesterone at 7dpo. We shall see. Starting to see a few signs of ewcm, but little else in the way of O yet. Really, my body just has no clue that most people get things going by CD 14.

I did convince DH that we should get him a semen analysis if this cycle doesn't work. He realized how important it was for my peace of mind and, like the dear he his, agreed he could go in to a clinic and wack off. Although he would like it if I came along to help ;). Something to look forward to if this cycle fails.

7 DPO

I got my progesterone tested on Friday, which was 5 dpo. A little early. But the result came back yesterday at 4.8--really low, barely enough to confirm ovulation. I was rather surprised at how bummed I was. I of course started on the yucky progesterone suppositories right away, so I'm pretty confident that I should be able "save" this cycle in terms of the length of the luteal phase. But I think I had really started hoping that my progesterone would be in the normal range. The first time I had it tested (and ended up with only a 9 day LP), it was a bit low, but that was my first cycle after the pill, and I had ovulated on, like, CD 140 or something crazy like that. Last cycle, I went on the suppositories, but I had terrible pms the whole time and my period didn't start until 18dpo, so I thought I was perhaps overdosing on the progesterone and my body was fine on its own. I guess not.

I guess I keep hoping that something will come along to make me "normal." I was actually a bit encouraged that both of the past two cycles have been about the same length. I mean, some regularity should be better than complete randomness, right? I thought maybe this was just normal for my body and everything else would fall into place. Now I feel like there's still something clearly wrong, and that my chances of conception are still low. And I especially feel like this cycle is out.

I came across a really interesting article on pubmed that helps to explain long follicular phases. It says that sometimes, we have one follicle that starts to dominate that then falls away for some reason, and then another follicle grows and ovulates. This could explain why I had about 5 days of ewcm earlier in my cycle this last time. It could be that I had another follicle that was trying to ovulate but failed. So that gives me some hope that my cycles could shorten up in the future. Also of interest: women with long follicular phases are at reduced risk of breast cancer (yay!) but greater risk of bone loss, which I'm already at risk for as an HAer.

I made the mistake last night of trying to do a ton of research on why I might be have luteal phase defect. No good answers--or at least nothing that I didn't already know. But then I went to bed depressed and had trouble sleeping and feel a bit depressed today. I've been trying to just focus on God whenever I start to feel anxious. This whole thing is completely in his hands. If I ever get pregnant, it will be a miracle that he made happen. If now isn't the time, I have to trust that he has something better for us.