I realized that I haven't updated in the past week on what's going on in my infertility world. This past week has actually been pretty tough for me emotionally, so I think I just didn't want to write about it. But here's the quick and dirty low-down in everyone's favorite format (the ubiquitous bullet point).

• Last Saturday, my acupuncturist told me to wait until Thursday, which would be CD 58, and, if I hadn't ovulated by then, to start taking Provera. I was actually pretty hopeful that I would ovulate, because my ovulation symptoms had returned with a force.
• Pete was leaving Sunday for a week-long trip, so we enjoyed a bit of a (ahem) twos-y on Saturday before he left. I thought, how perfect would it be if I ovulated at the beginning of this week and got pregnant? Right in the nick of time! I think most of us have had those "right in the nick of time" hopes--that get subsequently dashed hard--because we hear so many stories of that happening. 
• I spent Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday agonizing over every possible symptom and being devastated over every negative OPK. And for some reason, my body picked this week to go on the fritz in other areas: I've been so bloated, gassy, and crampy that I haven't been able to sleep well at night, my skin, throat, and eyes have been really dry (to the point that one of my fingers cracked open--and we're in May here, folks, not January). I guess that could all be stress-related, but I've never had so many physical symptoms so quickly from stress. My theory is that I had been taking the most recent herb formula prescribed by Katy the Needle Lady for too long, and it was creating excess "dryness" in my "human garden."
• Part of what I was agonizing about was whether I should wait until after Pete got home to start on the Provera, giving my body one last chance to ovulate and get pregnant, or if I should just give up and start it. I do know of one other woman (a fellow hypothalamic amenorrhea sufferer) who ovulated on day 60 and got pregnant.
• After spending two hours crying on the phone with my parents and Pete yesterday, I felt more rational and decided I couldn't take the agonizing wait any more. And that I was just kidding myself to think my body might ovulate. So I called Katy and got the clear to start Provera. She also promised that my body would, eventually, get back in balance. I'm choosing to believe her because I don't have any other options at this point.
• I started Provera last night. Take that, day 57. Of course, my temp shot way up this morning as a result and Fertility Friend decided to give me a dotted-line ovulation. Thanks, dear Fertility Friend. I really needed that reminder. 

Of course, now I have this irrational fear in the back of my mind that I might not get a bleed from Provera, and then I might not respond to Clomid this time. It's just so hard to trust my body on anything anymore. But I've had so many symptoms of rising estrogen that I know I've got to have a lining thick enough to bleed. So by my calculations, I should be ovulating sometime in the next 40 days. Bring. It. On.

I Am Eeyore. Hear Me Whine.

I had several great ideas for posts today, but I think the best I can do is start one of them and save it in draft form. There's no way it's getting finished before I go to bed tonight.

Instead, this is what I have for you.

Take that adorable sheepish smile off his (or her? what's with the pink bow?) face, and that's where I am today. Ready to run away and quit this whole trying to conceive thing. If I could find a world in which pregnant women did not exist, I might be able to pull it off. But I'm afraid that world went extinct a while back and I'm left in this fertile breeding ground.

I have no good reason for wanting to quit. I haven't even been to an RE, for crying out loud. As far as I knew, there's very little that's actually wrong with me. And no reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant on my own within the next year.

But after the 16th negative OPK in a row (I don't even start until CD14), and after checking my cervix only to find lots of gloppy but little stretchy, I just feel like I can't take the unending suspense any longer.

And what does Ceejay like to do when the going gets tough? Quit. I've never claimed to be a tough person, so no, adversity does not just make me want to dig in and try harder. It makes me want to escape.

It's not just a matter of waiting to ovulate. It's also that I fear that until I get my cycles shorter, I have very little chance of conceiving. I know many women have conceived with long cycles. But since my mid-luteal phase progesterone levels have been below 5 each of the three times I've had them checked, I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with my cycles. And that it won't be fixed until I start ovulating sooner.

Of course, it could be that my luteal phase issues are actually somewhat separate from my slow ovulation issues, right? I'm sure they're both connecting to my hypothalamic amenorrhea. But maybe my ovulations have been fine in their reluctant slowness, but I just don't produce enough progesterone? And we can attribute the thus-far lack of success to the low progesterone?

The thing is, I just can't shake the feeling that the low progesterone is tied to my long cycles and thus indicative of a fundamental ovulation problem. Therefore, this cycle is already doomed since I'm on day 30 with no ovulation in sight. And since my body is showing no signs of speeding up (this is my fourth natural cycle where ovulation has been past day 30), I'm doomed forever.

This is right about where I start thinking more seriously about adoption because I'm so certain a pregnancy isn't going to happen.

The really stuffy/sneezy/runny/itchy nose I have right now isn't helping. I don't have seasonal allergies, and I'm not sick. But every few weeks, my nose randomly goes into mucus-producing overdrive. It lasts a miserable day or two and then subsides. And I simply cannot figure out what the cause is. Any ideas? A good dose of sudafed will usually kick it. But I care too much about my cervical mucus right now to risk drying it up with decongestants. So suffer I will.

That's it. Finished with my eeyoric whining. And yes, I did just coin that word: eeyoric. I kind of like it. Feel free to spread it and popularize it wherever you live. Until next time!

Update: Since Josey & Kelly just asked really good questions, I guess I should clarify where I am for my new followers, so you understand what my whining's all about at least a little better. I am fairly certain that I will ovulate at some point this cycle, so it's too early to give up and try to force a new cycle with provera. I have taken provera before when I hadn't had a period in months, and it actually didn't work for me--no period. I think it would work now, since I have gained weight and am actually cycling, but, like I said, I still probably am on my way toward ovulation, slow as it's going. As for the RE--no, I haven't seen one yet. Our insurance covers zero percent of all things infertility-related--not even the visit with the RE. My OB has worked with me some--at least through the basic bloodwork and ultrasound. But for right now, I'm going the traditional chinese medicine route with acupuncture and herbs, hoping it will get my cycles back on track eventually.

Welcome ICLWers!

I'm excited to participate in my second ICLW! I had a lot of fun in March, so I'm ready to roll with my comments again.

Unfortunately, I don't have much time today to put up any kind of clever intro post for myself. Right now, I'm on day 29 of my cycle and waiting for ovulation, feeling a bit frustrated with my body at how slowly it moves. But I do think ovulation is coming soon. My biggest clue? I had two zits suddenly show up a couple of days ago. I know most women break out near their period, but for each of my cycles since I went off birth control (which has only been a measly 5 cycles in 9 months), I have a zit or two show up within the week before ovulation. I'm clinging to these zits as a sign of hope.

Anyway, if you want to learn more about me, check out my timeline, my first post, or my last ICLW intro. Hopefully I'll get a chance to post something more exciting soon. But for now, back to my work email I go.

Coaxing the Shy Egg

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post! It feels nice to have my writing affirmed. Writing is such a personal thing, at least for me. To have someone read something I've often feels more intimate than having a conversation with that person. So it's nice to be complimented.

That said, this will be a much less...um...thought-provoking post. I did want to give a brief update on where I am in my cycle, and, more importantly, what I'm waiting for.

Today is day 27 of my cycle, and my egg(s?) is still resting in her little follicle. I've decided my eggs are just shy homebodies. And slow on the uptake. Which is ironic, because I generally move rather quickly in life and am not super shy, though I may have some homebody tendencies.

Fertility friend's algorithm has decided that I did ovulate about a week ago, which is really annoying since I know I didn't. My temperatures did even out and then rise by about a half a degree. However, the reason for said rise was not ovulation but rather that I have apparently been successful at warming my formerly cold uterus, at least according to Katy, my acupuncturist. So my formerly very erratic temps are now much more even and a tad warmer on average. I guess those nightly heating pads, daily herbal teas, and biweekly acupuncture appointments are doing something, even if they haven't convinced the egg to come out of her shell yet.

My temps have been going down a bit again, accompanied by random patches of fertile cervical mucus. And lots of baby dancing with my ever-happy-to-oblige husband.

But this has not occurred yet:

In case you can't tell, this is a picture of a human being released--ovulation. Found at New Science. I know my husband is going to gag when he sees this, but I think it's pretty cool.

I've found during the past few cycles that right about now seems to be one of the hardest times for me. Waiting for that elusive egg release. Wondering why it could possibly be taking this long. Analyzing every little sign and symptom, wondering if it's a sign of impending ovulation. Staring at my cervical mucus and trying to stretch it between my two fingers repeatedly. And the long series of negative OPKs with second lines of various shades, but not quite dark enough. To be honest, I think I over-interpret more during this part than during the two-week wait, as I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that any symptom I have post-ovulation could as easily be PMS as it could be pregnancy.

Go, eggy, go. My fallopian tube really isn't that scary, I promise. And there are lots of friendly little spermies waiting to make your acquaintance, if you'll just get your guts up and get out there.

Was It Too Much to Ask For?

Was it really too much to ask that I might get a tiny piece of good news with my latest bloodwork? That I might have a progesterone level of, like, 25? I would even settle for 10. Or 9 for that matter. But 4.5? The lowest yet? I just don't understand.

Not that I think I deserve a small piece of good news for any special reason. I am well aware that my infertility journey thus far has been both brief and easy compared to many. And I realize that low progesterone during the luteal phase is hardly an insurmountable problem. And that luteal phase defect is very common among recovering HAers.

Still. I had high hopes that the clomid would have helped this time. And even such a small problem can feel insurmountable to me because I don't understand what could be causing it. Because I can't see an RE or get any monitoring. All I can do is consult Dr. Google and my wonderful community of fellow HAers on our message board.

Of course, there is a silver lining that has kept me from being completely depressed today. There is a very good chance that since I was on clomid, and since I ovulate before day 23, that my ovulation was complete and mature. My OB mentioned to me last time that such low progesterone could be indicative of an "insufficient ovulation," whatever that means. But since it's still low this time, I guess the problem is most likely isolated to the luteal phase and a weak corpus luteum. Thank God, I did go ahead and start inserting the lovely progesterone suppositories up my vagina last week, so I should be on track to have a luteal phase that's as long as it should be. And Dr. Google did reveal to me a number of other cases of women who had low progesterone and got pregnant and had healthy, full-term babies.

Still. I can't shake the feeling that if this were going to be THE cycle, my progesterone would be higher. It's just a feeling. Silly intuition. But I can't shake it.

7 more days before I can test with confidence.

A Short Break

Just a quick update here. I just finished my last 50mg clomid pill two days ago, so now I'm back on the waiting-for-ovulation train. But, I at least get to enjoy a break from any physical reminders of IF for a few days--no daily pill-taking and too early for daily OPKs. They will come soon enough. Of course, my body won't let me forget about it, even if my mind were capable of it. I'm having all the same cramps and pain in my ovaries/abdomen area that I seem to have more often than not these days. I'm trying not to be concerned about it, though it does seem unusual to feel my ovaries so often. I don't think it's just hypersensitivity. Anyway, I'm interested to see how early I ovulate this cycle. Someone on my HA board warned that it could actually take longer than my normal cycle, which was a bit surprising. But at least I know to try not to freak out if I haven't ovulated by day 33.

Lost Cycle

I'm still feeling really sad about my low progesterone. My OB emailed me about it last night and said I could "not be effectively ovulating," and this would be the cause of the LPD and low progesterone. She did say it could also just be the long follicular phase. But ineffective ovulation? What the heck does that mean? I just feel sad. And I don't have another person in my house to help me pull out of my crazies and talk sense into me.

I guess a big part of my disappointment is that now I'm fairly certain that this cycle is out. I knew we didn't have great chances, but ovulating just in time and then finding out that the due date would be my birthday both seemed like such good signs. But the low progesterone is not a good sign, and I'm having basically the exact same kinds of cramps on the same days as last cycle. My temperature even spiked this morning, and it spiked around the same time last cycle.

So I just need to get used to the idea that this is another cycle gone, and it's a good thing that I went in for that blood test and realized that I do still have a problem. I guess the good thing is that my problems will likely be helped significantly with clomid, so I'm thinking I'll probably take that next cycle. And that would likely mean an earlier ovulation, so maybe I won't have quite as long of a waiting period.

The waiting is just killer. I can't put enough emphasis behind each of those words, and there's no other good way of saying it. I think sometimes my desire to know that I will be able to get pregnant and when is greater than my desire to actually have a child. If I knew that we would successfully conceive, say, next November, I think that would be easier than the ongoing ups and downs and frustrations and hope we have to wade through now. But that's not the way God likes to do things. I guess we have way more to learn from the uncertainty than the simple act of waiting. And the thing is, our certainty should be in the fact that he loves us and has an astoundingly wonderful plan for us, not in the specific whens and hows.

The Part I Hate

If nothing else, I have learned through my experience so far that infertility basically revolves around waiting. You get short bursts of activity and news--a positive OPK, temperature rise, AF--interspersed in the midst. But mostly, you wait. You wait for AF to finish. You wait for any sign of ovulation. You wait for your temperature to go below 97 degrees--and then above 98 degrees. You wait for your cervix to rise. After BMSing, you lie on your back, waiting for the spermies to find their home. Of course, it all culminates in the dreaded two-week wait, as you agonize over every twinge and temperature rise or dip, frantically googling "first signs of pregnancy."

I think some fertile women get a small taste of what this is like in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, when their huge belly is getting intolerable and they feel like they're going to burst if the baby doesn't come soon. A few of my friends who have gone through this have been very anxious about how long their babies would take to decide to come. When they've complained to me about it, though, all I can think is, at least you know you're baby IS going to come, and very soon. Not that I'm not sympathetic. I'm sure I will feel exactly the same way when I get there. But waiting is one thing when you're certain that a good outcome is on its way. It's a different thing entirely when coupled with uncertainty.

Right now, I'm waiting for O. My temperature was a little lower this morning, but still not below 97. No sore boobs, no ewcm. The waiting is worse this time around than last time, though, because I have the pressure of DH's upcoming trip looming ahead on 9 days away. 9 days! I keep telling myself that things could start happening any day and very likely within the next 9 days. But if they don't... I'm really not sure how I'm going to make it for 11 days without DH to put me back together.

I have still been trying to focus on the sense of peace I glimpsed yesterday. Really, there is nothing I can do to change what's going to happen, as fatalistic as that sounds. From a scientific perspective, there are things I can do to increase my odds. But in reality, God's going to make it happen when he knows is best, and all the supplements in the world can't change that. I've been having a lot of trouble trying to keep these two competing concepts in my head with respect to TTC. So I've taken the tack of focusing on God's control and his love for me. I think that's a better place to be than the frantic attempt to optimize everything.