My months are really starting to run together these days. I can hardly believe it's already time for the May ICLW! This is such an annoying cliche, but I seriously feel like April's just ended.
If you're stopping by my blog for the first time, welcome. This is the third time I've participated in ICLW, and I've loved it every time--and have always been happy at how it seems to garner me a few new followers (hint, hint).
Probably what you're most interested is my infertility history, so I won't keep you in suspense any longer. My handsome husband and I only started trying to conceive last July--on our third anniversary, to be specific. Which was a highly unfortunate choice, as it's going to make our fourth anniversary be the day that we officially get labeled "infertile."
At the time, I actually had an inkling I would have a little trouble because of my past history of absent periods (which you can read about here). So I ushered myself--perhaps too quickly but still appropriately--into the world of infertility craziness within a couple of months of going off the (so-ubiquitous-but-now-exceedingly-hated-by-me) Pill.
I quickly learned that I had something called Hypothalamic Amenorrhea. My body stopped cycling because it wanted me to have a little more padding before getting pregnant. I'm very, very fortunate in that this is a condition which seems to be fully reversible in most women, though it takes some time and determination--and weight gain. I quickly gained 10 pounds and, last fall, I was thrilled to be rewarded with my first natural period in over six years! I thought, at the time, that a pregnancy would be just around the corner. But I guess ovulation does not equal pregnancy. Who knew?
Since then, I had two 50-ish-day-long natural cycles and one 40-day-long clomid cycle. I'm currently on day 59 of my third natural cycle. The One Where Absolutely Nothing Happens.
Because I work for a church, I'm on a cheap-o insurance policy that doesn't even cover an appointment with an infertility specialist. So no REs for me at this point. Instead, I'm faithfully going to an acupuncturist, Katy the Needle Lady, and drinking herbal teas she prescribes. And hoping her promise to get my body back in balance isn't empty.
Oh, and I also just gave up on the One Where Absolutely Nothing Happens. I started a 7-day regimen of Provera on Wednesday night to induce a bleed and then go back to clomid. I'm happy to have an acupuncturist who's willing to work with Western drugs, as much as I hate them.
So that's the True History of My Attempts to Conceive until this point. It's a journey I have dreaded for many years, to be honest. But now that I'm on it, I firmly, wholeheartedly believe that it's happening for a reason--a good reason. One that I will, in fact, look back on thankfully, as unattainable as that gratitude sometimes seems to me now, sitting here stuck in the miry heartache. And I also firmly believe that the best is yet to come. [Cue corny Frank Sinatra song here.]
Showing posts with label hypothalamic amenorrhea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hypothalamic amenorrhea. Show all posts
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Fun, 1950s Style
I helped to throw a huge party this weekend. For about 120 people. During which we cooked everyone's meals fresh and made-to-order. I wore a real, live (well, not actually barking) poodle skirt. And roped my husband into reliving his table-waiting days and helping me serve the food.
One of my coworkers made it for me without me even asking. And yes, that is a real Thunderbird behind us in that first picture. We called in the local Thunderbird Club (I didn't even know such things existed before this party) and asked one of the men if he'd like some free publicity.
The purpose of the party was to appreciate all the volunteers who help us run the children's program I help to oversee in my job. Those of us who get paid to do this throw a huge shindig every year to show those who are not paid how much we love them. We wanted to do something family-friendly this year so the volunteers wouldn't have to find babysitters, so we did a 1950s soda shop and diner. Complete with jello, hoola-hoops, yo-yos, slinkies, bubble gum, and, of course, milkshakes galore.
I paid the price all day yesterday. Exhaustion + Mother's Day + working all morning + having people for dinner + PMS = one tough Sunday. And I could break the PMS element down even further, but I think you all get the point.
And yes, I do think I am experiencing PMS. I had an acupuncture appointment Saturday morning, and Katy (my acupuncturist) seemed to think my period would be on its way soon, since I'm nearing day 50 and my last two natural cycles were around 50 days long. I didn't believe her, because I couldn't imagine getting my period without ovulating. That's never happened to me (in my great experience of 4 cycles), and, more importantly, that doesn't seem to happen to those of us who suffer from hypothalamic amenorrhea. We frequently have really long cycles--or no cycles at all--but I haven't heard of any other HAer who got her period without ovulating.
Then I woke up yesterday morning feeling all my normal PMS symptoms. The menstrual cramps. The extreme fatigue. The backache. The sore boobs. And the crappy emotions. Though who knows if they were due to hormones or Mother's Day. And they're all hanging around today, though no signs of blood yet.
So maybe she's right. My acupuncturist, that is. I definitely felt like my estrogen was surging a couple of weeks ago, trying to ovulate. For some reason, it didn't quite surge high enough, or decided to quit half way, and I didn't actually release an egg--based on my lack of a temperature rise. That's a little frustrating, but maybe fairly common among women just starting acupuncture and herbs? Especially since Katy had me go ahead and switch from the ovulation herbs to the luteal phase herbs last week. I don't know. But at least if I get my period, I can move forward and start the next cycle. I'm so over this one. And Katy wants me to take clomid again, so next cycle should be much shorter.
But. I'm not counting on anything. My body has played tricks on me before. Until I see red, I'm still in limbo land.
Let me just zoom in on that skirt so you can appreciate the poodle in all her glory.
One of my coworkers made it for me without me even asking. And yes, that is a real Thunderbird behind us in that first picture. We called in the local Thunderbird Club (I didn't even know such things existed before this party) and asked one of the men if he'd like some free publicity.
The purpose of the party was to appreciate all the volunteers who help us run the children's program I help to oversee in my job. Those of us who get paid to do this throw a huge shindig every year to show those who are not paid how much we love them. We wanted to do something family-friendly this year so the volunteers wouldn't have to find babysitters, so we did a 1950s soda shop and diner. Complete with jello, hoola-hoops, yo-yos, slinkies, bubble gum, and, of course, milkshakes galore.
I paid the price all day yesterday. Exhaustion + Mother's Day + working all morning + having people for dinner + PMS = one tough Sunday. And I could break the PMS element down even further, but I think you all get the point.
And yes, I do think I am experiencing PMS. I had an acupuncture appointment Saturday morning, and Katy (my acupuncturist) seemed to think my period would be on its way soon, since I'm nearing day 50 and my last two natural cycles were around 50 days long. I didn't believe her, because I couldn't imagine getting my period without ovulating. That's never happened to me (in my great experience of 4 cycles), and, more importantly, that doesn't seem to happen to those of us who suffer from hypothalamic amenorrhea. We frequently have really long cycles--or no cycles at all--but I haven't heard of any other HAer who got her period without ovulating.
Then I woke up yesterday morning feeling all my normal PMS symptoms. The menstrual cramps. The extreme fatigue. The backache. The sore boobs. And the crappy emotions. Though who knows if they were due to hormones or Mother's Day. And they're all hanging around today, though no signs of blood yet.
So maybe she's right. My acupuncturist, that is. I definitely felt like my estrogen was surging a couple of weeks ago, trying to ovulate. For some reason, it didn't quite surge high enough, or decided to quit half way, and I didn't actually release an egg--based on my lack of a temperature rise. That's a little frustrating, but maybe fairly common among women just starting acupuncture and herbs? Especially since Katy had me go ahead and switch from the ovulation herbs to the luteal phase herbs last week. I don't know. But at least if I get my period, I can move forward and start the next cycle. I'm so over this one. And Katy wants me to take clomid again, so next cycle should be much shorter.
But. I'm not counting on anything. My body has played tricks on me before. Until I see red, I'm still in limbo land.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I Am Eeyore. Hear Me Whine.
I had several great ideas for posts today, but I think the best I can do is start one of them and save it in draft form. There's no way it's getting finished before I go to bed tonight.
Instead, this is what I have for you.
I have no good reason for wanting to quit. I haven't even been to an RE, for crying out loud. As far as I knew, there's very little that's actually wrong with me. And no reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant on my own within the next year.
But after the 16th negative OPK in a row (I don't even start until CD14), and after checking my cervix only to find lots of gloppy but little stretchy, I just feel like I can't take the unending suspense any longer.
And what does Ceejay like to do when the going gets tough? Quit. I've never claimed to be a tough person, so no, adversity does not just make me want to dig in and try harder. It makes me want to escape.
It's not just a matter of waiting to ovulate. It's also that I fear that until I get my cycles shorter, I have very little chance of conceiving. I know many women have conceived with long cycles. But since my mid-luteal phase progesterone levels have been below 5 each of the three times I've had them checked, I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with my cycles. And that it won't be fixed until I start ovulating sooner.
Of course, it could be that my luteal phase issues are actually somewhat separate from my slow ovulation issues, right? I'm sure they're both connecting to my hypothalamic amenorrhea. But maybe my ovulations have been fine in their reluctant slowness, but I just don't produce enough progesterone? And we can attribute the thus-far lack of success to the low progesterone?
The thing is, I just can't shake the feeling that the low progesterone is tied to my long cycles and thus indicative of a fundamental ovulation problem. Therefore, this cycle is already doomed since I'm on day 30 with no ovulation in sight. And since my body is showing no signs of speeding up (this is my fourth natural cycle where ovulation has been past day 30), I'm doomed forever.
This is right about where I start thinking more seriously about adoption because I'm so certain a pregnancy isn't going to happen.
The really stuffy/sneezy/runny/itchy nose I have right now isn't helping. I don't have seasonal allergies, and I'm not sick. But every few weeks, my nose randomly goes into mucus-producing overdrive. It lasts a miserable day or two and then subsides. And I simply cannot figure out what the cause is. Any ideas? A good dose of sudafed will usually kick it. But I care too much about my cervical mucus right now to risk drying it up with decongestants. So suffer I will.
That's it. Finished with my eeyoric whining. And yes, I did just coin that word: eeyoric. I kind of like it. Feel free to spread it and popularize it wherever you live. Until next time!
Update: Since Josey & Kelly just asked really good questions, I guess I should clarify where I am for my new followers, so you understand what my whining's all about at least a little better. I am fairly certain that I will ovulate at some point this cycle, so it's too early to give up and try to force a new cycle with provera. I have taken provera before when I hadn't had a period in months, and it actually didn't work for me--no period. I think it would work now, since I have gained weight and am actually cycling, but, like I said, I still probably am on my way toward ovulation, slow as it's going. As for the RE--no, I haven't seen one yet. Our insurance covers zero percent of all things infertility-related--not even the visit with the RE. My OB has worked with me some--at least through the basic bloodwork and ultrasound. But for right now, I'm going the traditional chinese medicine route with acupuncture and herbs, hoping it will get my cycles back on track eventually.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Fly, Arrow, Fly
Back when I was first learning about hypothalamic amenorrhea, I came across several places that described the typical HA sufferer as white, female (well, duh), intelligent, well-educated, and controlling. Well, I don't exactly remember if they used the word "controlling," but it was something to that effect. In any case, I was implicated completely. I'm as white as they come, have a graduate degree, and always did well in school (as in, straight A's all the way through until one class in grad school, which still kills me. But I'm over it, I promise). And, yes, I'm naturally someone who wants to be in control. Of almost everything. In fact, when P and I did our premarital counselling, our counselor (a professional) gave me a little booklet about OCD. Hint, hint.
I'm willing to admit that I like to be in control. This is, after all, why I was so good at controlling my diet and exercising regularly, thus getting myself into this HA mess. As with most personality traits, it's both a strength and a weakness. I'm awesome and being discipline, organized, efficient. I get things done way faster than expected. I never (repeat, never) had to pull an all-nighter to finish an assignment or study for a test--because I had always planned ahead enough to get it done in advance. I plan all the meals we're going to eat each week ahead of time so I can use our money wisely and save time by only making one grocery trip a week.
But I have dreams (nightmares, really) about being late, being unable to get something done, about chaos. These are the things that literally keep me up at night, as pathetic as that sounds. And I dread planning meals each week because of my perfectionist tendencies. I have a strongly held belief that there is a perfect plan out there for our meals--one that would be perfectly efficient, healthy, varied, balanced. Etc. So I labor trying to find that perfect plan. Just in case you're wondering, it doesn't exist. Perfection doesn't exist in our broken world. That sounds hopeless, but it's really quite freeing when I can believe it.
God gave me the perfect (okay, I just said perfection doesn't exist, so I guess I'm using it figuratively here) husband to help me learn to let go a bit. Thankfully, he's almost as much of a planner as I am. I believe I would actually go out of my mind if I were married to someone who liked to fly by the seat of his pants (someone like my little brother, for example). P gets anxious if we don't have the next five years planned out; I get anxious if we don't have the next week planned out. So I help to let go of the next five years and he helps me to let go of next Tuesday. It works quite beautifully, actually. Thanks for orchestrating that, God.
This infertility thing is, needless to say, a huge, painful, stretching experience for both of us. I can't sleep at night worrying about my temperature the next morning. P gets frustrated that we are losing the possibility of having a baby in 2010. And we both just have to let it go, and help each other let it go.
That doesn't negate the fact that I still feel better now that we have put a bit of a plan in place. I was feeling really lost for a while because I didn't know what came next. Or how soon it could come. Without being able to see an RE, it seemed like we would just be floundering on our own for months and years on end. But we have a plan. And it was actually P's idea, so I don't have feel guilty about being too impatient and pushing things forward too fast. He wants a kid just as much as I do.
The plan? Assuming AF shows when she's due early next week, P will go in for his SA on Tuesday. I guess the results of that could change things entirely, but it's likely that he will be at least borderline normal. Then I will start acupuncture next Friday. I already booked my appointment. I'll go ahead and pay for the six-month plan and start going weekly, taking the herbs, eating warm foods, whatever. If P does have sperm issues, I might even be able to convince him to go in a few times.
After (and maybe even during) that six months, we'll start researching the process of adoption. We've always wanted to adopt, so this is not totally out of the blue. The idea of providing a home for parentless children, of creating a diverse family, is beautiful to us. We just always thought we'd adopt after having a couple biological kids. But why not now? It's expensive, it seems insurmountably complicated, but I guess we feel more at peace with the idea of dropping a lot of money and time into adopting rather than infertility treatments. We would probably look into international adoption first, since we plan to live overseas in the future anyway, but we'd really be open to anything.
That's our plan. It's faulty. It may be selfishly motivated at some points. It's unlikely that things will proceed as expected. But it's relieving to have a direction to move towards--a target to shoot for, I guess. If some wind comes along and blows our arrow in another direction...well, okay. We're learning that things work better when we release the arrow rather than trying to hold on to it as it flies.
I'm willing to admit that I like to be in control. This is, after all, why I was so good at controlling my diet and exercising regularly, thus getting myself into this HA mess. As with most personality traits, it's both a strength and a weakness. I'm awesome and being discipline, organized, efficient. I get things done way faster than expected. I never (repeat, never) had to pull an all-nighter to finish an assignment or study for a test--because I had always planned ahead enough to get it done in advance. I plan all the meals we're going to eat each week ahead of time so I can use our money wisely and save time by only making one grocery trip a week.
But I have dreams (nightmares, really) about being late, being unable to get something done, about chaos. These are the things that literally keep me up at night, as pathetic as that sounds. And I dread planning meals each week because of my perfectionist tendencies. I have a strongly held belief that there is a perfect plan out there for our meals--one that would be perfectly efficient, healthy, varied, balanced. Etc. So I labor trying to find that perfect plan. Just in case you're wondering, it doesn't exist. Perfection doesn't exist in our broken world. That sounds hopeless, but it's really quite freeing when I can believe it.
God gave me the perfect (okay, I just said perfection doesn't exist, so I guess I'm using it figuratively here) husband to help me learn to let go a bit. Thankfully, he's almost as much of a planner as I am. I believe I would actually go out of my mind if I were married to someone who liked to fly by the seat of his pants (someone like my little brother, for example). P gets anxious if we don't have the next five years planned out; I get anxious if we don't have the next week planned out. So I help to let go of the next five years and he helps me to let go of next Tuesday. It works quite beautifully, actually. Thanks for orchestrating that, God.
This infertility thing is, needless to say, a huge, painful, stretching experience for both of us. I can't sleep at night worrying about my temperature the next morning. P gets frustrated that we are losing the possibility of having a baby in 2010. And we both just have to let it go, and help each other let it go.
That doesn't negate the fact that I still feel better now that we have put a bit of a plan in place. I was feeling really lost for a while because I didn't know what came next. Or how soon it could come. Without being able to see an RE, it seemed like we would just be floundering on our own for months and years on end. But we have a plan. And it was actually P's idea, so I don't have feel guilty about being too impatient and pushing things forward too fast. He wants a kid just as much as I do.
The plan? Assuming AF shows when she's due early next week, P will go in for his SA on Tuesday. I guess the results of that could change things entirely, but it's likely that he will be at least borderline normal. Then I will start acupuncture next Friday. I already booked my appointment. I'll go ahead and pay for the six-month plan and start going weekly, taking the herbs, eating warm foods, whatever. If P does have sperm issues, I might even be able to convince him to go in a few times.
After (and maybe even during) that six months, we'll start researching the process of adoption. We've always wanted to adopt, so this is not totally out of the blue. The idea of providing a home for parentless children, of creating a diverse family, is beautiful to us. We just always thought we'd adopt after having a couple biological kids. But why not now? It's expensive, it seems insurmountably complicated, but I guess we feel more at peace with the idea of dropping a lot of money and time into adopting rather than infertility treatments. We would probably look into international adoption first, since we plan to live overseas in the future anyway, but we'd really be open to anything.
That's our plan. It's faulty. It may be selfishly motivated at some points. It's unlikely that things will proceed as expected. But it's relieving to have a direction to move towards--a target to shoot for, I guess. If some wind comes along and blows our arrow in another direction...well, okay. We're learning that things work better when we release the arrow rather than trying to hold on to it as it flies.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Maybe the Needles Will Help
I just had my first acupuncture session yesterday. It's really kind of random that I'm even trying acupuncture. I get regular emails from a site called Groupon that offer me amazing discounts on all kinds of things in the area where I live. My husband makes sure I don't take too many of the offers. But one came through a couple of weeks ago for an acupuncture treatment and initial consultation for only $29--regularly $120. I've always wanted to try acupuncture, and now I actually have a really good reason. So of course I went for it.
I should preface this by saying that as frustrated as I have been about not being able to see an RE, a very small part of me is thankful that I'm not undergoing the craziness of regular ultrasounds, injections, or whatever else an RE might put me on. In fact, I have been rather disillusioned with modern medicine overall through this experience of infertility. I long to trust that my doctor knows everything. But really? She only has a tiny bit more of a clue than I do after reading scientific papers. And with hypothalamic amenorrhea, it seems that many doctors have less of a clue than I do. And I'm very turned off by the piecemeal, fragmented approach of modern medicine. They treat whatever small complaint you have as a separate issue, usually by throwing some drug at you. You know what? I don't want a drug. I want to know what is causing the problem.
On the other hand, I've always been skeptical about so-called alternative medicine. Probably because my husband is an extremely skeptical scientist. Also, being brought up in American schools, we're bred not to believe in anything that science doesn't understand. But you know what? I believe 100% in God, and science doesn't understand him at all. Not that medicine and religion are on any sort of level playing field, but could it be that science doesn't understand everything about medicine yet? Gasp.
So, as my ramblings are probably evidencing, I was quite excited about my acupuncture consultation and treatment. I have no idea how all those tiny needles up and down my spine could possibly help me get pregnant. But my acupuncturist assured me that her treatments could get me back on a regular cycle in 3-6 months! I didn't think a regular cycle was even possible for me. And with no weird chemicals? She also informed me that my pulse was a little weak, whatever that means, and that she would want to see it get a bit stronger before my body tried to support a baby. I think she was implying that we should stop even trying before I get 3 months of treatments under my belt. Well, that's not going to happen. There's no way DH is going to be donning any kind of rubber apparatus in bed any time soon. And yes, next time I ovulate, we will BMS it up. If I get pregnant and my pulse isn't quite as strong as she would like...well, I'll just have to do some jumping jacks to get it stronger.
Beyond the more natural and holistic perspective, the cost of acupuncture is also very attractive. If we started going to an RE, we would probably rack up anywhere between $2000 and $20,000 in costs within the first month. Regular acupuncture with this particular woman would probably cost about $700 in six months, and that's including any special herbs she might recommend. Awesome.
I think my hubby would still like to at least wait this cycle out before starting anything new. That makes sense to me. It is my first try with clomid, so chances are somewhat favorable. However, I'm on day 20 today with no ovulation yet. Sigh. My body is just so stinkin' slow.
I should preface this by saying that as frustrated as I have been about not being able to see an RE, a very small part of me is thankful that I'm not undergoing the craziness of regular ultrasounds, injections, or whatever else an RE might put me on. In fact, I have been rather disillusioned with modern medicine overall through this experience of infertility. I long to trust that my doctor knows everything. But really? She only has a tiny bit more of a clue than I do after reading scientific papers. And with hypothalamic amenorrhea, it seems that many doctors have less of a clue than I do. And I'm very turned off by the piecemeal, fragmented approach of modern medicine. They treat whatever small complaint you have as a separate issue, usually by throwing some drug at you. You know what? I don't want a drug. I want to know what is causing the problem.
On the other hand, I've always been skeptical about so-called alternative medicine. Probably because my husband is an extremely skeptical scientist. Also, being brought up in American schools, we're bred not to believe in anything that science doesn't understand. But you know what? I believe 100% in God, and science doesn't understand him at all. Not that medicine and religion are on any sort of level playing field, but could it be that science doesn't understand everything about medicine yet? Gasp.
So, as my ramblings are probably evidencing, I was quite excited about my acupuncture consultation and treatment. I have no idea how all those tiny needles up and down my spine could possibly help me get pregnant. But my acupuncturist assured me that her treatments could get me back on a regular cycle in 3-6 months! I didn't think a regular cycle was even possible for me. And with no weird chemicals? She also informed me that my pulse was a little weak, whatever that means, and that she would want to see it get a bit stronger before my body tried to support a baby. I think she was implying that we should stop even trying before I get 3 months of treatments under my belt. Well, that's not going to happen. There's no way DH is going to be donning any kind of rubber apparatus in bed any time soon. And yes, next time I ovulate, we will BMS it up. If I get pregnant and my pulse isn't quite as strong as she would like...well, I'll just have to do some jumping jacks to get it stronger.
Beyond the more natural and holistic perspective, the cost of acupuncture is also very attractive. If we started going to an RE, we would probably rack up anywhere between $2000 and $20,000 in costs within the first month. Regular acupuncture with this particular woman would probably cost about $700 in six months, and that's including any special herbs she might recommend. Awesome.
I think my hubby would still like to at least wait this cycle out before starting anything new. That makes sense to me. It is my first try with clomid, so chances are somewhat favorable. However, I'm on day 20 today with no ovulation yet. Sigh. My body is just so stinkin' slow.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A Short Break
Just a quick update here. I just finished my last 50mg clomid pill two days ago, so now I'm back on the waiting-for-ovulation train. But, I at least get to enjoy a break from any physical reminders of IF for a few days--no daily pill-taking and too early for daily OPKs. They will come soon enough. Of course, my body won't let me forget about it, even if my mind were capable of it. I'm having all the same cramps and pain in my ovaries/abdomen area that I seem to have more often than not these days. I'm trying not to be concerned about it, though it does seem unusual to feel my ovaries so often. I don't think it's just hypersensitivity. Anyway, I'm interested to see how early I ovulate this cycle. Someone on my HA board warned that it could actually take longer than my normal cycle, which was a bit surprising. But at least I know to try not to freak out if I haven't ovulated by day 33.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
7 DPO
I got my progesterone tested on Friday, which was 5 dpo. A little early. But the result came back yesterday at 4.8--really low, barely enough to confirm ovulation. I was rather surprised at how bummed I was. I of course started on the yucky progesterone suppositories right away, so I'm pretty confident that I should be able "save" this cycle in terms of the length of the luteal phase. But I think I had really started hoping that my progesterone would be in the normal range. The first time I had it tested (and ended up with only a 9 day LP), it was a bit low, but that was my first cycle after the pill, and I had ovulated on, like, CD 140 or something crazy like that. Last cycle, I went on the suppositories, but I had terrible pms the whole time and my period didn't start until 18dpo, so I thought I was perhaps overdosing on the progesterone and my body was fine on its own. I guess not.
I guess I keep hoping that something will come along to make me "normal." I was actually a bit encouraged that both of the past two cycles have been about the same length. I mean, some regularity should be better than complete randomness, right? I thought maybe this was just normal for my body and everything else would fall into place. Now I feel like there's still something clearly wrong, and that my chances of conception are still low. And I especially feel like this cycle is out.
I came across a really interesting article on pubmed that helps to explain long follicular phases. It says that sometimes, we have one follicle that starts to dominate that then falls away for some reason, and then another follicle grows and ovulates. This could explain why I had about 5 days of ewcm earlier in my cycle this last time. It could be that I had another follicle that was trying to ovulate but failed. So that gives me some hope that my cycles could shorten up in the future. Also of interest: women with long follicular phases are at reduced risk of breast cancer (yay!) but greater risk of bone loss, which I'm already at risk for as an HAer.
I made the mistake last night of trying to do a ton of research on why I might be have luteal phase defect. No good answers--or at least nothing that I didn't already know. But then I went to bed depressed and had trouble sleeping and feel a bit depressed today. I've been trying to just focus on God whenever I start to feel anxious. This whole thing is completely in his hands. If I ever get pregnant, it will be a miracle that he made happen. If now isn't the time, I have to trust that he has something better for us.
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I guess I keep hoping that something will come along to make me "normal." I was actually a bit encouraged that both of the past two cycles have been about the same length. I mean, some regularity should be better than complete randomness, right? I thought maybe this was just normal for my body and everything else would fall into place. Now I feel like there's still something clearly wrong, and that my chances of conception are still low. And I especially feel like this cycle is out.
I came across a really interesting article on pubmed that helps to explain long follicular phases. It says that sometimes, we have one follicle that starts to dominate that then falls away for some reason, and then another follicle grows and ovulates. This could explain why I had about 5 days of ewcm earlier in my cycle this last time. It could be that I had another follicle that was trying to ovulate but failed. So that gives me some hope that my cycles could shorten up in the future. Also of interest: women with long follicular phases are at reduced risk of breast cancer (yay!) but greater risk of bone loss, which I'm already at risk for as an HAer.
I made the mistake last night of trying to do a ton of research on why I might be have luteal phase defect. No good answers--or at least nothing that I didn't already know. But then I went to bed depressed and had trouble sleeping and feel a bit depressed today. I've been trying to just focus on God whenever I start to feel anxious. This whole thing is completely in his hands. If I ever get pregnant, it will be a miracle that he made happen. If now isn't the time, I have to trust that he has something better for us.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Part I Hate
If nothing else, I have learned through my experience so far that infertility basically revolves around waiting. You get short bursts of activity and news--a positive OPK, temperature rise, AF--interspersed in the midst. But mostly, you wait. You wait for AF to finish. You wait for any sign of ovulation. You wait for your temperature to go below 97 degrees--and then above 98 degrees. You wait for your cervix to rise. After BMSing, you lie on your back, waiting for the spermies to find their home. Of course, it all culminates in the dreaded two-week wait, as you agonize over every twinge and temperature rise or dip, frantically googling "first signs of pregnancy."
I think some fertile women get a small taste of what this is like in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, when their huge belly is getting intolerable and they feel like they're going to burst if the baby doesn't come soon. A few of my friends who have gone through this have been very anxious about how long their babies would take to decide to come. When they've complained to me about it, though, all I can think is, at least you know you're baby IS going to come, and very soon. Not that I'm not sympathetic. I'm sure I will feel exactly the same way when I get there. But waiting is one thing when you're certain that a good outcome is on its way. It's a different thing entirely when coupled with uncertainty.
Right now, I'm waiting for O. My temperature was a little lower this morning, but still not below 97. No sore boobs, no ewcm. The waiting is worse this time around than last time, though, because I have the pressure of DH's upcoming trip looming ahead on 9 days away. 9 days! I keep telling myself that things could start happening any day and very likely within the next 9 days. But if they don't... I'm really not sure how I'm going to make it for 11 days without DH to put me back together.
I have still been trying to focus on the sense of peace I glimpsed yesterday. Really, there is nothing I can do to change what's going to happen, as fatalistic as that sounds. From a scientific perspective, there are things I can do to increase my odds. But in reality, God's going to make it happen when he knows is best, and all the supplements in the world can't change that. I've been having a lot of trouble trying to keep these two competing concepts in my head with respect to TTC. So I've taken the tack of focusing on God's control and his love for me. I think that's a better place to be than the frantic attempt to optimize everything.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Accepting the Miraculous
Yesterday, having succumbed to my addiction to googling infertility-related questions, I came across someone else's blog that hinted that having a long follicular phase (in other words, delayed ovulation) can compromise egg quality and thus reduce your chances of achieving a BFP (pregnancy). I was dismayed, and suddenly had something new to worry about. By having the long cycle that I do, I already have way fewer chances than most people to get pregnant. Am I now supposed to believe that even when I do ovulate, my chances of pregnancy are worse than most?
Along with that came the growing realization that I will probably never have a normal reproductive system. I think I have still been operating under some illusion that suddenly, my body will just snap out of it and I will be normal, with normal (ie really good) chances of getting pregnant. I had at least hoped that after struggling for a first pregnancy, I could conceive easily for the second. But I'm coming to realize that my hypothalamic amenorrhea is likely here to stay. I'm definitely recovering, but getting pregnant will probably never be easy for me. One would think I would have accepted this by now, but it's still been hard.
And on top of that, my body's signs of ovulation have been backing off the past couple of days--back to creamy CM and high-ish temperature. And completely un-sore boobs. DH leaves in 10 days. For most people, 10 days would be plenty of time for ovulation, but for me, I'm cutting it really close. So now I'm imagining how devastated I will be if I ovulate several days after DH leaves--and no one will be around to pick up the pieces. Enduring the two-week wait would be hard enough with him gone, but at least I would have hope in that situation.
Lots of suck. But, at some point this morning, I came to a realization. Getting pregnant will in fact be a miracle, no matter when or under what circumstances it happens for me. It will be a miracle that I don't actually deserve and over which I had very little or no control. I have been trying to figure out my odds and preparing myself for every possibility. But God is the only one who will determine when I get pregnant--not my weight, not my OPK's, not our furious love-making. This seems a pretty simple revelation and is a truth that I have known all along. Somehow, though, it sunk in more this morning. I don't know what happened. But I feel just a little less stressed about it. I can't actually do anything to determine when I get pregnant.
To return to the question that got me started on this whole thing--whether a long follicular phase compromises my odds or not--I don't think it actually does. One of the wise women on our HA forum assured me that we HAers simply take a long time to grow our little eggs. The quality would be compromised if they grew and were ready to go but then took a long time to pop out. Ours pop out when they're ready, it just takes a while for them to get there. Or something like that.
I'm definitely still hoping for more egg-whites and lower temps tomorrow.
Along with that came the growing realization that I will probably never have a normal reproductive system. I think I have still been operating under some illusion that suddenly, my body will just snap out of it and I will be normal, with normal (ie really good) chances of getting pregnant. I had at least hoped that after struggling for a first pregnancy, I could conceive easily for the second. But I'm coming to realize that my hypothalamic amenorrhea is likely here to stay. I'm definitely recovering, but getting pregnant will probably never be easy for me. One would think I would have accepted this by now, but it's still been hard.
And on top of that, my body's signs of ovulation have been backing off the past couple of days--back to creamy CM and high-ish temperature. And completely un-sore boobs. DH leaves in 10 days. For most people, 10 days would be plenty of time for ovulation, but for me, I'm cutting it really close. So now I'm imagining how devastated I will be if I ovulate several days after DH leaves--and no one will be around to pick up the pieces. Enduring the two-week wait would be hard enough with him gone, but at least I would have hope in that situation.
Lots of suck. But, at some point this morning, I came to a realization. Getting pregnant will in fact be a miracle, no matter when or under what circumstances it happens for me. It will be a miracle that I don't actually deserve and over which I had very little or no control. I have been trying to figure out my odds and preparing myself for every possibility. But God is the only one who will determine when I get pregnant--not my weight, not my OPK's, not our furious love-making. This seems a pretty simple revelation and is a truth that I have known all along. Somehow, though, it sunk in more this morning. I don't know what happened. But I feel just a little less stressed about it. I can't actually do anything to determine when I get pregnant.
To return to the question that got me started on this whole thing--whether a long follicular phase compromises my odds or not--I don't think it actually does. One of the wise women on our HA forum assured me that we HAers simply take a long time to grow our little eggs. The quality would be compromised if they grew and were ready to go but then took a long time to pop out. Ours pop out when they're ready, it just takes a while for them to get there. Or something like that.
I'm definitely still hoping for more egg-whites and lower temps tomorrow.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Introduction: My History with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
I've decided to start blogging my way through my journey towards motherhood. Partially so that I can reference this in the future, and partially for others out there who might stumble across my blog and find it a comfort. Or those who might know nothing of infertility but would benefit from a glimpse into its twisted depths (which would be most people).
I'm currently 26 and have been very happily married for three and a half years. My husband is a graduate student, working on his Ph.D. in mechanical engineering. I have spent the past few years working full-time, getting my MA in English Lit, and then working full-time again. Ironically enough, I work with kids. I just turned in my thesis last December, and my husband and I had decided that our ideal timeline was for me to be pregnant and due sometime this spring, which we figured would put us in a semi-decent financial position and give me a secure job to potentially return to after maternity leave, should I choose to do so. So, I officially went off the pill last June, and we started TTC on July 8, our third anniversary.
Let me back up a bit. Back in high school, I used to weigh around 130 pounds at a height of 5'4". Not really overweight, but I have a small frame so it was actually a bit overweight for me. I got up to 140 the year after high school and decided things needed to change. So, starting that April, I embarked on an all-out weight-loss campaign. This was back during the low-fat craze (pre-low-carb craze), and so my method was to cut out almost all fat from my diet and exercise every single day. Looking back now, I can say I was bordering on a sub-clinical eating disorder--I was so restrictive and obsessive about it. Over about 4 months, I lost about 35 pounds, getting down to 106. And though I gradually loosened up on the eating and exercised over the next 5 years, I stayed around the same weight.
But. My period stopped coming. The last one I had was in April of that year, before starting the weight-loss crusade. After 6 months, my mother convinced me that I should see my OB about it, and I did. She basically said I had nothing to worry about, really, and just put me on the pill. I was 19. I tried going off the next summer because I didn't think I really needed to be on it, but still no period. At that point I started to get anxious about potential fertility problems, even though I had no idea why. My OB assured me there was nothing to be concerned about and just told me to get back on the pill.
Fine. By then, I was seriously dating the man who would become my husband. So I just stayed on the pill through the first 3 years of marriage. Always in the back of my mind was a fear about whether we would be able to have kids, but I kind of pushed it off and just hoped that since I was more moderate with my eating (or so I thought), I wouldn't have any problems. I include this because it gives a little more background on the anxiety of my fertility journey. Basically, ever since I was 19, I haven't been able to see friends get pregnant and have babies without an impinging feeling of fear. About a year and a half ago, we found out that my younger sister-in-law, who had been married less than a year, had gotten pregnant accidentally. I admit with great shame that my initial reaction was extreme anger. Why couldn't she figure out the birth control thing? Why did she have to upstage us? We should have had the first grandkids, if she and her husband could only figure out the planning-ahead thing (which, pregnancy aside, they really do suck at). I couldn't believe that was my reaction and I worked through it with God and my husband, but there it was.
So, back to last year. Took my last pill June 23. Lived in ignorant bliss for exactly one month, hoping good ol' Aunt Flo would show up right on time and I would have nothing to worry about (or else be pregnant). On July 23, nothing. Tried to hold back the anxiety, but didn't make it very long. I eventually started emailing my OB, and she ordered a bunch of bloodwork. Everything was actually fairly normal, so we tried progesterone for a week, which she guaranteed me would cause a period. Nothing. Well, lots of cramps. But no blood. More bloodwork and an appointment which included an ultrasound. She finally diagnosed me with hypothalamic amenorrhea, which means my brain wasn't sending the signals to my body to ovulate. She referred me to an infertility specialist. I found out the appointment with the specialist would cost $516 out of pocket and went right back to my OB. No way could we afford that much just for an appointment, and clearly any treatments would cost much more.
Meanwhile, lots of freaking out and crying.
Also meanwhile, I stumbled across the Hypothalamic Amenorrhea discussion board at FertileThoughts. Finally, some answers. There are actually a lot of other girls out there with HA! And most of them have been able to get pregnant! Their answer? Gain weight.
Ouch. At that point, I could hardly stand the idea of gaining weight. I was quite attached to my size 0 body. But, slowly but surely, I began to accept that I just needed to do it. So, I started gorging myself and gained 7 pounds in one weekend! I made it up to 115 and kind of camped out there for a while, hoping I wouldn't need to gain more. My OB had taken pity on me and done some of her own research on HA, even contacting her RE (reproductive endocrinologist) friend to ask for advice. She suggested that we start with clomid. So DH (dear hubby) and I talked it over and decided to start a cycle of clomid right around the beginning of November. I picked up the prescription at the pharmacist and waited--and prayed that something would happen naturally.
Though I had been pretty religious about checking my CM, CP, and temping every day (these are infertility code words for cervical mucus, cervical position, and taking basal body temperature), I had basically given up that anything would happen and stopped reading into them. Then, about a week before I was planning to start the clomid, I noticed that my boobs were really sore for a couple of days. Then, all of a sudden, my BBT shot up from the upper 96's to the lower 98's. I had ovulated! I couldn't believe it! I got my progesterone tested just to be sure, and the ovulation was confirmed. My period showed up 10 days later. I was ecstatic! I couldn't believe my body had done its thing on its own after six years!
DH and I were more prepared with the BMSing (baby-making sex) the next cycle. I ovulated on day 33 and endured a gut-wrenching 2-week-wait, reading into every symptom and doing everything I could to think about other things. I had gotten progesterone suppositories from my OB to lengthen my LP (luteal phase--time between ovulation and period, which should be around 14 days but had only been 9 for me the first time). I had just about the worst pms I've ever had, but I was holding out hope that the awful cramps were a sign of a little fertilized embryo getting cozy. In the meantime, we spent Christmas break with my in-laws, hearing about little else than my adorable niece. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. But that's how it felt. I guess I expected a little more sensitivity on their part since they knew what was going on. But really, I don't think anyone who hasn't gone through infertility has much of a clue how it feels, so I can't expect them to simply not mention their cute granddaughter ever around me. That would be even weirder, I suppose.
After 18 excruciating days (and three or four negative pregnancy tests), my period finally showed. Even though I knew we only had a 25% chance, I think I had been so worried about ovulating for so long that I felt like once I finally ovulated, the problem would be solved. So many of our friends seem to be able to get pregnant on the first try, so when we didn't, I was crushed yet again. Yet again, intense negative emotions for no rational reason.
And here we are now. I'm on day 18 of my third natural cycle. The emotions of all this are just killer, and there's no way around them. I trust that God is sovereign and that he loves me, but I fear how much suffering he's going to take me through. DH had been reminding me to take this one day at a time, and to focus on all the many things I have to be thankful for--that I was diagnosed so early, that I found the HA message board, that I only had to gain 10 pounds, that I'm cycling. But it's hard not to focus on the fact that with a cycle as slow as mine has been, I only get half as many chances as anyone else. So this could be a long journey, folks.
I'm currently 26 and have been very happily married for three and a half years. My husband is a graduate student, working on his Ph.D. in mechanical engineering. I have spent the past few years working full-time, getting my MA in English Lit, and then working full-time again. Ironically enough, I work with kids. I just turned in my thesis last December, and my husband and I had decided that our ideal timeline was for me to be pregnant and due sometime this spring, which we figured would put us in a semi-decent financial position and give me a secure job to potentially return to after maternity leave, should I choose to do so. So, I officially went off the pill last June, and we started TTC on July 8, our third anniversary.
Let me back up a bit. Back in high school, I used to weigh around 130 pounds at a height of 5'4". Not really overweight, but I have a small frame so it was actually a bit overweight for me. I got up to 140 the year after high school and decided things needed to change. So, starting that April, I embarked on an all-out weight-loss campaign. This was back during the low-fat craze (pre-low-carb craze), and so my method was to cut out almost all fat from my diet and exercise every single day. Looking back now, I can say I was bordering on a sub-clinical eating disorder--I was so restrictive and obsessive about it. Over about 4 months, I lost about 35 pounds, getting down to 106. And though I gradually loosened up on the eating and exercised over the next 5 years, I stayed around the same weight.
But. My period stopped coming. The last one I had was in April of that year, before starting the weight-loss crusade. After 6 months, my mother convinced me that I should see my OB about it, and I did. She basically said I had nothing to worry about, really, and just put me on the pill. I was 19. I tried going off the next summer because I didn't think I really needed to be on it, but still no period. At that point I started to get anxious about potential fertility problems, even though I had no idea why. My OB assured me there was nothing to be concerned about and just told me to get back on the pill.
Fine. By then, I was seriously dating the man who would become my husband. So I just stayed on the pill through the first 3 years of marriage. Always in the back of my mind was a fear about whether we would be able to have kids, but I kind of pushed it off and just hoped that since I was more moderate with my eating (or so I thought), I wouldn't have any problems. I include this because it gives a little more background on the anxiety of my fertility journey. Basically, ever since I was 19, I haven't been able to see friends get pregnant and have babies without an impinging feeling of fear. About a year and a half ago, we found out that my younger sister-in-law, who had been married less than a year, had gotten pregnant accidentally. I admit with great shame that my initial reaction was extreme anger. Why couldn't she figure out the birth control thing? Why did she have to upstage us? We should have had the first grandkids, if she and her husband could only figure out the planning-ahead thing (which, pregnancy aside, they really do suck at). I couldn't believe that was my reaction and I worked through it with God and my husband, but there it was.
So, back to last year. Took my last pill June 23. Lived in ignorant bliss for exactly one month, hoping good ol' Aunt Flo would show up right on time and I would have nothing to worry about (or else be pregnant). On July 23, nothing. Tried to hold back the anxiety, but didn't make it very long. I eventually started emailing my OB, and she ordered a bunch of bloodwork. Everything was actually fairly normal, so we tried progesterone for a week, which she guaranteed me would cause a period. Nothing. Well, lots of cramps. But no blood. More bloodwork and an appointment which included an ultrasound. She finally diagnosed me with hypothalamic amenorrhea, which means my brain wasn't sending the signals to my body to ovulate. She referred me to an infertility specialist. I found out the appointment with the specialist would cost $516 out of pocket and went right back to my OB. No way could we afford that much just for an appointment, and clearly any treatments would cost much more.
Meanwhile, lots of freaking out and crying.
Also meanwhile, I stumbled across the Hypothalamic Amenorrhea discussion board at FertileThoughts. Finally, some answers. There are actually a lot of other girls out there with HA! And most of them have been able to get pregnant! Their answer? Gain weight.
Ouch. At that point, I could hardly stand the idea of gaining weight. I was quite attached to my size 0 body. But, slowly but surely, I began to accept that I just needed to do it. So, I started gorging myself and gained 7 pounds in one weekend! I made it up to 115 and kind of camped out there for a while, hoping I wouldn't need to gain more. My OB had taken pity on me and done some of her own research on HA, even contacting her RE (reproductive endocrinologist) friend to ask for advice. She suggested that we start with clomid. So DH (dear hubby) and I talked it over and decided to start a cycle of clomid right around the beginning of November. I picked up the prescription at the pharmacist and waited--and prayed that something would happen naturally.
Though I had been pretty religious about checking my CM, CP, and temping every day (these are infertility code words for cervical mucus, cervical position, and taking basal body temperature), I had basically given up that anything would happen and stopped reading into them. Then, about a week before I was planning to start the clomid, I noticed that my boobs were really sore for a couple of days. Then, all of a sudden, my BBT shot up from the upper 96's to the lower 98's. I had ovulated! I couldn't believe it! I got my progesterone tested just to be sure, and the ovulation was confirmed. My period showed up 10 days later. I was ecstatic! I couldn't believe my body had done its thing on its own after six years!
DH and I were more prepared with the BMSing (baby-making sex) the next cycle. I ovulated on day 33 and endured a gut-wrenching 2-week-wait, reading into every symptom and doing everything I could to think about other things. I had gotten progesterone suppositories from my OB to lengthen my LP (luteal phase--time between ovulation and period, which should be around 14 days but had only been 9 for me the first time). I had just about the worst pms I've ever had, but I was holding out hope that the awful cramps were a sign of a little fertilized embryo getting cozy. In the meantime, we spent Christmas break with my in-laws, hearing about little else than my adorable niece. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. But that's how it felt. I guess I expected a little more sensitivity on their part since they knew what was going on. But really, I don't think anyone who hasn't gone through infertility has much of a clue how it feels, so I can't expect them to simply not mention their cute granddaughter ever around me. That would be even weirder, I suppose.
After 18 excruciating days (and three or four negative pregnancy tests), my period finally showed. Even though I knew we only had a 25% chance, I think I had been so worried about ovulating for so long that I felt like once I finally ovulated, the problem would be solved. So many of our friends seem to be able to get pregnant on the first try, so when we didn't, I was crushed yet again. Yet again, intense negative emotions for no rational reason.
And here we are now. I'm on day 18 of my third natural cycle. The emotions of all this are just killer, and there's no way around them. I trust that God is sovereign and that he loves me, but I fear how much suffering he's going to take me through. DH had been reminding me to take this one day at a time, and to focus on all the many things I have to be thankful for--that I was diagnosed so early, that I found the HA message board, that I only had to gain 10 pounds, that I'm cycling. But it's hard not to focus on the fact that with a cycle as slow as mine has been, I only get half as many chances as anyone else. So this could be a long journey, folks.
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