I think every infertility blogger has a post on this topic. That awful jealousy. That inability to really rejoice with our friends who get pregnant. That ugly sense of injustice.
This is where I think infertility has a lot in common with unwanted singleness. I have friends who are still single and desperately long to be married. I have always been so grateful that I met my now-husband in college and really didn't have to spend any time wading through the uncertain loneliness some of my friends have to deal with. And hearing news of engagements without being able to be really happy. I had enough trouble with friends of mine who started dating long after us, got engaged the week after us, and decided to get married the month before us. Of course, these friends are also due with their first baby in April. And, though they haven't said it, they probably believe that our infertility is due to the fact that we (gasp!) eat beef that isn't grass-fed and chicken that isn't free-range organic. Yes, they are those kind of friends. You can see why I'm keeping this blog anonymous.
Back to the jealousy. I just found out (on facebook, of course) that good friends of ours are due with their second. Already on their second. And she's younger than me. Of course. And they got pregnant "sooner than expected." Of course.
I'm a committed follower of Jesus. Does this simplify or complicate the feelings of jealousy and sense of injustice? I can't decide. On the one hand, Jesus affirms me that it is unjust. This world is broken, and so our bodies are broken and don't work the way they're supposed to. If the world were as it should be, we would all be fertile. And he hurts for me because he loves me and doesn't want to see me in so much pain. Cries for the barren woman are all over the Bible. Moreover, he promises that one day, all the brokenness will be gone and the emptiness filled.
On the other hand, I know that the jealousy isn't entirely okay. It's selfish and ugly. God has the right to give other people babies within their first month of trying, and he has the right to make me wait. I can't free myself of the ugly feelings. I'm stuck. But he can. In fact, though he doesn't promise me a baby, he promises me freedom. So I pray and wait for the freedom while I pray and wait for the baby.