The Q&A Chain Letter

Josey  tagged me in a fun Q&A a couple days ago. For some reason, these Q&As remind me of these long surveys that my friends and I used to pass around when we all had our first email addresses (ie junior high). Do any of you remember those? Our first attempts at social networking, I guess. But I was always a sucker for answering interesting questions about myself. I think most of us probably are. So here's my shot at Josey's questions.

1) What is your dream occupation?

First of all, my dream occupation could never involve any 9-5 office job, no matter how cool that job was. That's what I currently do, but it's okay because I know it's not permanent. I'm also just not really into working full-time at all. It's so restricting. I want to be able to do other things with my time, and I want to be able to take vacation whenever I want. I know, I'm asking a lot.

That said, I think I would really enjoy certain kinds of teaching--like teaching a grad English class. I would also really enjoy counseling, and I actually plan to take some classes in counseling at some point. But really, my dream job is and always has been doing what we're planning to do: living overseas in a country that doesn't have quite the plethora of resources that we do, raising kids, and being really involved in other people's lives and various kinds of "volunteer" work. Orphanages, counseling, community development, training, etc.

2) How many children (if any!) do you want?

We're actually crazy enough to want 4-5. All that could change in the next year, of course. But we've always loved the idea of having 2-3 biological kids and then adopting 1-2 more. And having a multi-racial family. One of the pastors at my church has 3 of his own kids between the ages of 4 and 7, and they are now in the process of adopting (via the fost-adopt system) a Hispanic sibling pair who are 4 and 6. So they now have 5 kids within a 3-year age span! Insane, but so, so cool.

3) What's your favorite memory from high school?

Singing in the chamber choir my junior and senior year. I could be modest, but I won't. My high school's choir was one of the best (if not the best) in the state of Pennsylvania. We didn't do any show-choir stuff--we sang mostly acapella and were very "professional." I'm really not that amazing of a singer, so I haven't sung in any choirs since then. Most would probably frustrate me anyway. But I really miss those goosebump moments in performance, when all our harmonies would come together and we'd be singing our hearts out in some beautiful song.... And I miss the choir tours. So much drama, but so fun.

4) What's the craziest thing you've ever done?

Ask anyone, and they'll tell you I'm really not that crazy of a person. I could give you pages of crazy things my husband has done. But I have done a few, I suppose. One thing that comes to mind took place when I was 18 and spending a year studying at an international school in Germany. A few of my roommates (I lived in a room of 10 girls--that was definitely crazy) and I discovered the school's stash of lost and found clothing from years and years past. We're talking really ugly stuff--baggy sweaters from the 80s, grandma skirts, etc. So we all put together the ugliest, most mismatched outfits we could find and walked down to a nearby coffee shop to get some pastries. This would be somewhat crazy in America, but in Germany, it was a lot crazier. Germans (at least from my impressions--please don't be offended if this is a misplaced stereotype) rarely do stuff like that. As one German guidebook explained, they "take their humor very seriously." And dressing in ugly apparel to get pastries is probably not a joke most of them would appreciate.

5) Who is your idol and why?

I might have to follow Oak's example here and say my mom. She's one of the sweetest, most patient, most enduring, most faithful, and most godly women I know. I also have to include my dad, though. He has had intense (and sometimes excruciating) constant headaches since he was in his 20s. He's sought medical treatment multiple time (and is currently in the process of trying some new things, which actually seem to be helping a bit). He's had them ease up for months or years at times, only to come back later even worse. He's had nights where he was only able to sleep a few hours because the headache pain was so bad. And through it all, he has remained so patient and accepting. I know it's taken much questioning, praying, turmoil, and frustration on his part, but in the end, he has always come back to trusting that God has brought this pain into his life for a good purpose. Even when it has kept him from doing things that one would thing God would like (like doing nonprofit work overseas). He inspires me when I'm frustrated about little physical issues.

6) If you could go back and change one decision you've made in your life, would you? If you're comfortable with it, please share the decision!

There are things I've said to people (or not said), or people I haven't reached out to when I knew I should that I regret. But it's hard to tell if even that regret is somewhat self-motivated. Do I really wish I'd said more, or am I just afraid that they thought less of me because I didn't? Anyway, that's a whole different topic. As far as actual life decisions I've made, I can't really say that I regret any. I can think of a few that I could be tempted to regret. Like going to college as an English major at a school more known for their engineering program, rather than a more artsy school. But if I hadn't gone where I did, I would never have met Pete, so there's no way I can regret that.

7) Stilettos or flip flops?

Part of me really wants to be that woman who is so comfortable in stilettos that she wears them to the mall and to the airport. (Though I always wonder if those women are really comfortable in them, or if they're just vain.) But my feet, legs, and back will have none of it. I think the longest I can stand being in any kind of heels is about 4 hours, and that's only if I'm not walking much during that time. Besides, I have a long-standing deep attachment to flip flops. I grew up in a country where flip flops were essentially the only footwear anyone wore. I wore flip flops so much during my childhood that I have a permanent gap between my big toe and second toe. 

8) What's the #1 place in the world that you'd like to travel to and why?

Currently, England. I am an English major who specialized in 17th and 18th century British literature, and I've never been to its birthplace, and I would absolutely love to. A close second would be Italy. I did some touring around Europe while I was living in Germany, but I simply didn't have the funds to go everywhere I wanted to. So I dream of going back.

Whew. I can be long-winded. So I guess it's my turn to pass this along. Here are the questions I want to ask:

1) What's the best dish you can cook?

2) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?

3) What's the worst and/or most memorable job you've ever had?

4) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?

5) What's your most hated household chore? What's your favorite?

6) What's your earliest memory?

And now for the lucky people who get to answer these, if they so choose. I won't be offended if you choose not to :).

Adele at Delinquent Eggs

Alex at Alex's Adventures

The Road to Motherhood

Cgd at Adventures in Infertility Land

Anxious Mummy at Anxious Mummy to 3

Leslie at Evolutionary Dead End

The Happy-Hopeful Award

Wow, this award is really making its way fast around our little blogging world. I just read three posts in a row on this topic. Thanks to Oak for nominating me!

I'm supposed to talk about one thing I'm happy about right now, and one hope I have for the future. Since the quote in the picture above includes a line about yesterday, I'm giving you an added bonus of one thing I've learned from yesterday. I tend to be a fairly short-term thinker, so what immediately jumps to mind for each of these things is something rather trivial. But I'll also make myself think a little more broadly.

In chronological order:

Lessons from Yesterday

1. I should never make my body wait too long after getting up in the morning to eat breakfast. Doing so results in vomiting. Yes, I vomited yesterday morning, at 11 weeks, for the very first time. Along with that, I also learned vomiting does help me feel much, much, much better.
2. Most minor health issues I deal with will eventually work themselves out and go away, and thus should not worry me nearly as much as they do. This includes insomnia, allergies, and even infertility, in a sense. And no amount of research, talking to doctors, trying various remedies, usually works for me. Time--and God--are the only real helps. Now I'm working on learning this lesson and applying it to current pregnancy discomforts.

Happiness for Today

1. I have a seemingly healthy baby growing in my belly. I have only vomited once so far. I haven't fallen asleep at my desk yet.
2. I'm pregnant! I think this counts as both short and long-term. But also, I have a wonderful, amazing family in far away places and a fantastic support network surrounding me nearby. And I have a husband who lovingly puts up with so much of my crap, but also shakes me out of it and doesn't overindulge me. And is the only person in the world who frequently makes me laugh until tears and mascara are rolling down my face.

Hope for Tomorrow

1. I'm hoping that the painful bloating and gas that have been my nemesis so far in this pregnancy subside soon. I know they often stick around through an entire pregnancy. But a girl can hope.
2. I'm very hopeful and excited about what the next couple of years will bring in our lives. I haven't talked about this much on our blog, but our plan is to move permanently to China in a couple of years. We are actually crazy enough to be planning to go there for 10 weeks a month after our baby is born next spring. Then we'll be back here for a year before packing up for real. Of course that all involves some fears on my part, but I'm also super, super excited about raising this baby (and future babies) overseas, learning Mandarin, getting to know the people and culture, traveling, and, to be honest, being away from the USA for a while (though I will definitely miss how much easier life is here). I spent the first 11 years of my life in Asia, and I am thankful every day for the richness of that upbringing. I can't wait to give that to my own kids.

And, it must be said, I can't wait to meet this baby. And that I'm also very hopeful that those of you who are reading this who are not yet pregnant and desperately want to be will be pregnant very, very soon.

Now, for my nominations. I'm going to have to do a lot of checking here, because this award is zooming around so fast that a lot of my bloggy friends have already received it! So apologies to the lovely ladies nominated if you've already been nominated by someone else and I didn't see the post yet. Consider yourself doubly loved :). I would like to pass this along to:

1. Melissa at Banking On It
2. Crossed Fingers at Dreaming of Our Baby
3. InfertileFollies

Advent Devo

One of the pastors at my church is working on putting together a devotional book for the Advent season this year, made up of entries written by various people in our church. Since somehow my English major-ness is well-known among the pastors of our church, he asked me to be a part of editing it and putting it together. And then he asked me if I could write one of the entries.

The book will have 24 entries (one for each day leading up to Christmas, duh). Each of the entries will be on a verse out of the Bible pertaining to one of the advent themes (hope, peace, joy, love).

I read through the options of verses still needing entries. And I had to choose this one.

Romans 8:24-25 "For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."

I find the concept of hope so completely compelling, and I love that this verse tells us that hope is only hope if it's for something we can't see (or understand, or know, etc).

But here's the slight dilemma. How can I possibly write 200-250 honest words about this verse without mentioning infertility or pregnancy? Especially seeing as these are the two verses that precede the above:

"For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies."

I mean, it actually explicitly mentions pregnancy. And this is actually part of the problem. I feel like pregnancy, or even infertility, is a bit trite in the context of these verse. Or too obvious. Even if it is true that I am pregnant after infertility, and that one of the most important lessons I learned from my experience with infertility was about the nature of hope and waiting without seeing.

So instead, I'm working on digging up something else to come at this verse from a different angle.

That 250-word limit is also bound to give me some problems. Think I can slip in a few extra words since I'm the editor?

The Fear of Coming Out

Thanks to all of you who gave me advice about when to tell people that I'm pregnant. It was helpful to know that I wouldn't be totally crazy if I told people before 12 weeks. Like many of you, my big hesitation with telling too many people is that work will find out before I want them to. I'm not afraid that I'll experience any subconscious discrimination, but it would be pretty awful if my boss found out from someone other than me, which would be very possible since he knows many of my friends. But I'm still feeling very indecisive about when exactly to make the news public. Part of me doesn't want to wait until 12 weeks. We have several events right around 11 weeks that would be perfect for making such announcements. But I have my next appointment at 12w2d, and it would be nice to hear that heartbeat one more time. How awful would it be to tell everyone and then not have a heartbeat just a few days later?

We did decide, however, that anyone who knew we were trying to get pregnant also deserved to know we are pregnant. And the people who knew about the infertility are definitely the people we'd want to know if something happened. The main group of friends that has been supporting us through the journey is our community group from church. I don't know what I would have done without their prayers and, well, sympathy over the past year. So after we saw the heartbeat, we decided we should announce to the group when we saw them the next day.

I was actually pretty nervous about announcing it and told Pete he was going to have to bring it up. I realized that part of my fear had to do with how difficult these announcements have been for me for the past few years. And here I am, making one myself. While I know where most couples in our group are in terms of having kids, there is one new couple and one couple who doesn't have kids but is in their mid-30s and been married over 5 years... But I figured they would have shared their own struggles with infertility if they had any after we had so openly shared ours.

And then, when we arrived, we discovered that a friend of someone in our group, who was visiting from Australia, would also be joining us for our Bible study that evening. Which we were quite happy for but, of course, made announcing a pregnancy a little awkward. But Pete decided to plunge in anyway, figuring it might be a while before we got another chance where everyone was together.

I experienced momentary fear as I looked at the new couple and thought I saw a flash of pain on the husband's face...but it was probably just my imagination. Then it was great. Everyone seemed genuinely thrilled for us. The ladies immediately surrounded me and started asking all the right questions. Two of the women (the ones who have had babies themselves) even asked to see the ultrasound picture--not that I had it with me (I'm not that pathetic). And then I gently changed the topic of conversation for the other women involved who are not yet mothers.

The visitor from Australia excused herself and went to bed, complaining of terrible jetlag.

Yesterday, I was riding in the car with one of my closest friends (and her one-year-old), who is also friends with the Aussie girl. She's known about our struggles from the beginning, so I was telling her how nerve-wracking it was for me when we made the announcement to our group. And then she told me that her friend from Australia has actually been trying to get pregnant for two years, but has endometriosis. She just had surgery a few months ago to get fibroids removed.

Crap. That's exactly what I was afraid of. She probably went to bed that night wondering why on earth she happened to come to the one meeting that involved a pregnancy announcement. Maybe even had a cry before going to sleep. Experiencing all those conflicted feelings that we know so well.

When we made the announcement, we did explain for the newbies how we had been trying for a while, and how scary the first few weeks of the pregnancy were. Maybe this made her feel a little better. But maybe it made her feel worse, since we weren't trying for as long as she has been.

I'm hoping all of our future announcements will be made to individuals in person, rather than to large groups. But I know it's pretty unavoidable that my pregnancy will cause some infertiles out there a degree of pain. And there's really nothing I can do about that. But I wish I could just know who they are and at least give them a long, sympathetic hug, and tell them I know how they're feeling.

We Have a Heartbeat!

I firmly believe that very few people in the world care to look at other people's ultrasound pictures. Especially the transvaginal ultrasounds. Who wants to see a picture that was taken from someone else's vagina? And there's not much to see that early anyway.

Nonetheless, I'm shamelessly posting mine. Just because I've wondered so often what it would be like to post an ultrasound picture somewhere on the internet. And no way am I ever posting one on facebook. I've had my day ruined too many times by seeing other people's in my feed.

Baby Peebs (yes, that's our dorky code name, and how we came up with it is a long story that I don't even remember) has a strong heartbeat, and is measuring at 7 weeks 3 days, which is exactly what I had calculated based on when I ovulated.

We're pretty ecstatic. It was really amazing to see that little flickering heartbeat inside my uterus! I feel a little less begrudging of the all-day sickness and bloating I've been experienced now that I know there really is a living being inside of me. And I feel like I can finally embrace this pregnancy.

Pete and I are now debating as to when we should start telling people, and who to tell when. 12 weeks seems to be the norm, but I read somewhere that the chance of a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat goes down to 2-4% for someone who has no history of miscarriage or reason to fear it. When I told Pete that, he thought we should go ahead and tell all our semi-close friends. I still feel hesitant, but maybe it's just because most of them have waited until 12 weeks to tell us. And we have told our parents and two close friends who knew about our TTC saga. I needed the support while I was fearing the worst.

What do you all think about telling friends? I think most of you whose blogs I'm following (yes, I'm still following, even though I haven't commented much recently) who are pregnant waited until around 12 weeks. Any pros or cons either way?

Life Since the BFP

It's been two and half weeks since I first saw that faint second line. One week since I saw a gestational sac in my uterus and was able to believe that I really am pregnant. Like most six-and-a-half-week-pregnant women, I don't really feel pregnant. Sure, I've had a little nausea. Nothing edible sounds very edible to me right now. And the insides of both of my elbows show signs of the varying levels of skill of the lab technicians who took my blood for my betas (speaking of which, I had another set of betas done this weekend, and the results were 11k on Friday and 17k on Sunday).

But otherwise, life goes on humdrum. And I'm pretty happy about that. Change of any kind has the ability to raise my anxiety levels, no matter how excited I am about that change. So I'm very content with easing into the changes of pregnancy.

To be honest, the biggest change so far is the fact that I have to question everything I put in my mouth. All these supplements I was on while TTC, my herbal teas, my lunchmeat, my sleep aids... So far, this has also been the most annoying part of pregnancy, since you can find completely conflicting information about every single pill, food, or beverage you might take (except, of course, illegal drugs, alcohol, or tobacco). I've found that for most OTC drugs I might consider taking, What to Expect While You're Expecting will tell me to avoid them, and I'll find numerous stories on message boards of women who took them through their entire pregnancy and were fine. Of course I've been avoiding them as much as possible. But what if I do get a cold? Or have trouble sleeping? Or, drink tea that contains licorice root for a few weeks before finding out that licorice root is bad for pregnancy (yep, just discovered that one yesterday right after drinking a cup to ease my stomach)? Am I a bad mother already because I didn't follow the most cautious route possible? It's all very confusing.

Anyway, it's not that big of a deal. I'm still holding myself back from completely believing in this whole thing. Seeing the heartbeat (hopefully) next week will help a lot, as will making it five more weeks. In the meantime, I'm praising God and praying for each of you out there who is wading through the muck that is infertility.

Time to force down some yogurt.

The Past Month in Review

I believe my last post was about a month ago, shortly following my last ovulation. The saga in my body since then has been long, very eventful, and very twisty. And because I haven't updated in so long, this update is becoming longer and longer in my head, which has led to me procrastinating it even more because I'm afraid of how long it will take to write. But here goes, in the shortest version possible. Bullet points.

• As a refresher, I ovulated on July 18, which was day 17 after my third round of clomid. The earliest I've ever ovulated, and with the most ewcm I've ever had. Nervous anticipation ensues.
• 8 days later, I am on vacation with my husband's family. I spend the day (Monday, July 26) with really bad cramps and feeling really achy. I'm pretty sure my period is going to show too early again. Dang it, I had really been hoping for a longer LP this time. I resigned myself to returning to progesterone suppositories for the next cycle. I'm also debating whether I should reduce to 25mg of clomid instead of 50, after reading the book Making Babies (which I highly, highly recommend to all of you going through IF out there).
• The next day, I see the first signs of blood. Only 9dpo! I spend the afternoon sulking (well, praying, actually) in our room, despite the fact that I'm surrounded by a ton of family and in a beautiful location on a lake in the mountains in the middle of nowhere.
• By the next day, the spotting increases a bit, and my temperature has dropped. I stick a tampon in it and try to forget about it, thinking I'm on CD1. But, on CD2, my temp goes way up again, and the bleeding has decreased to spotting again. Now I'm confused about why my period is so light. Was my lining really that thin?
• By Friday (what I think is CD3), the bleeding has mostly stopped. My temp is down again, though. In the afternoon, while I'm trying to help my mother-in-law cook for a big group of Pete's friends coming over, I start feeling really tired and have to go lay down.
• Since I was planning to start clomid on CD4, I decide I should take a pregnancy test that morning, just to make sure. Especially since my temp is back up. Fortunately, I packed a few HPTs, so I pull one out and sneak a glass from the kitchen. I PIAC (Pee In A Cup) and wait. If it's not CD4, the day is 13dpo.
• And there it is. A very, very faint second line. Which Pete concurs is really there. Not just in my head.
• I call my doctor's office to make an appointment with a new OB, since my OB deserted me and went on sabbatical. The nurse makes me listen to a recording telling me congratulations, and stop smoking and drinking. I can't believe I'm listening to a recording with instructions for pregnant women.
• We fly home that day, and the next day, I take a second HPT, which has a slightly darker second line.
• I go to my appointment with my new OB on Monday. They have me pee in a cup for another urine test at the beginning of the appointment, but I've been drinking tons of water, so apparently that test comes back negative. So this new OB walks into the exam room basically to tell me that it was probably a chemical pregnancy and I already lost it. She does a quick ultrasound to check for any signs of an ectopic and tells me that my lining is way too thin for this to be a real pregnancy. Also, clomid will never work for me, and I really need to see an RE. Um, what about the fact that clomid has worked for me 3 times? I mean, at least I've ovulated each time, and early than I would normally. She doesn't seem to have a good answer for this one. I resolve that I will not be sticking with this OB, no matter what happens.
• She does order a beta for me, and, low and behold, it comes back at 192. Since she wasn't paying attention when I told her what dpo I was at (only 15), she tells me that this is low. Which is not true. 192 is pretty normal to high for 15dpo, at least from what my internet searching tells me.
• I go in for another beta on Wednesday, 17dpo, and the result is somewhere in the 400s (she wouldn't tell me the exact number). More than doubled in two days.
• Now she and I are both very concerned about an ectopic. If my lining was really as thin as she said, how could it be a uterine pregnancy? So I go in a week later (which was this past Wednesday), with Pete this time, for ultrasound #2. With the same OB, since I have to do the follow up with her. And there it is. A gestational sac in the uterus. Which all but completely rules out an ectopic. She says, finally, that she is happy with what she sees, though she won't completely rule out an ectopic until she sees a heartbeat.
• She doesn't know, but she won't be the one seeing the heartbeat, assuming it's there. I have my 7-week appointment with a different OB who looks to have more experience.
• I am going in today and Sunday for two more betas ordered by the current OB. She wants to make sure the pregnancy is progressing normally.

After having this pregnancy taken away from me and then given back three times already, I'm still in a bit of shock. Okay, a lot of shock. And though I'm feeling really hopeful, I'm also keeping in mind the odds of miscarriage at this point. I refuse to start reading all the preggo books or anything like that until I see that heartbeat.

But for now, I'm really, truly pregnant. The mild cramps and hints of nausea (and oh my word, the gas!) are making sure I don't forget the presence of the little one!