Only 3 Days from Normal

I'm officially 4 dpo today. The week of bloating, gassiness, and a lovely swollen ovary feeling culminated with a fairly dramatic ovulation on Sunday. Dramatic in that I could feel it all day, probably because my ovaries were so freakin' huge. I don't actually know how big they were, but they felt huge. I guess clomid can do that.

But guess what day Sunday was? CD 17! I can hardly believe I ovulated that early, even with the clomid. My earliest previous clomid ovulation was around CD 22, and my earliest natural ovulation was CD 33. I also had way more ewcm this time than I've ever had before, and very nicely timed sex. And I'm on herbs that will supposedly help my luteal phase. So I've got all that going for me.

Going against me are the period-like cramps I've been feeling since yesterday. Way too early for anything implantation-related, so probably progesterone-related. But the fact that I've had similar cramps this early in several of my previous two-week waits, during which my progesterone has always been too low, makes me think that nothing's changed in that arena. That I'm still having progesterone problems, and that my period will come too early again.

Before you suggest progesterone suppositories for my LP, I'll just say that I've taken them for three of my cycles. And they do lengthen my LP. I'm simply not convinced that they're solving the problem. I feel like my body needs to start producing more of its own progesterone before I'll get pregnant. The suppositories just stretch out the agony of the two-week wait (and make all the PMS symptoms much worse). If I'm not pregnant, I'd rather just get my period and get it over with. I know many women have gotten pregnant on the suppositories. I just feel like they aren't doing it for me. At least for now.

But seriously, body. Do you really need to give me cramps so, so often? I would really like to be able to forget about my abdominal region every now and then. Especially during the two-week wait. But you just won't let me.

If You're Curious

I thought I would drop in here again and just give a brief update. I noticed that I have actually gained a few followers in my absence, which makes me laugh, but is really fun. So far, following me has been a very low time commitment for those of you who have just joined!

After a couple of days of tiny hints of spotting, my period came at either 10 or 11 dpo last cycle. I'm not sure which because I'm not sure exactly which day I ovulated. I like to believe it was 11 dpo, which would give me an almost acceptable luteal phase. But still a bit shorter than I would like. So my body seems happy to ovulate nicely on clomid, but apparently is not quite as good at producing adequate progesterone. I'm going to take some kidney yang strengthening herbs this time around during the LP and see if we can lengthen it a bit.

One really interesting note about my last cycle: Starting around the middle of the previous cycle (the one where I did not take clomid, and in which my body tried really hard to ovulate but never made it), I was having lots of gas almost all the time. I would get a bit of relief for about one or two days a week, and then it would start up again. It wasn't really painful, but just annoying to the point of keeping me awake at night. It gradually morphed into a general upset feeling in my stomach. My acupuncturist predicted that it might ease up during my next cycle if I took clomid and got things moving in my ovaries better. But I didn't really believe her and decided I just needed to grit my teeth and endure it with a good attitude. And try not to think about it too much. Traveling helped a bit with that.

And then I ovulated. And low and behold, the gas disappeared! Like, almost completely! Apparently my stomach was not happy with my ovaries. Neither was I, so at least we agreed on that. I've had a little gas here and there this cycle, but I'm guessing it will go away again after I ovulate. And it's not nearly as bad.

So there's your fun fact about my digestive system for the day. I should add that at least the gas wasn't stinky. For which my husband was very grateful.

Oh, and I'm on CD12 today after another round of clomid. Here we go, clomid round 3!

I'm Back...

...to California. As of yesterday. It's both sad and nice to be back home and getting back into the routine. Ya'll know how it goes.

I did ovulate about a week ago, praise God. Even though it was a clomid cycle, I kind of gave up hope that it was going to happen, since I got a positive OPK on Saturday the 19th but still hadn't seen a convincing temperature rise by Wednesday. But the temps did finally shoot up. So I'm thinking I o'd either Monday or Tuesday. Right now I'm having the cramps I always seem to get mid-luteal-phase.

In the meantime, I'm evaluating the future of this blog. These past couple of weeks have been really, really good for my sense of peace and trust in God. For a whole plethora of reasons--not just because I was away from the blogging world. But I have started to think that keeping this blog actually fosters my anxiety rather than helping to quell it. Like I'm using this blog to try to control the situation. I use knowledge to try to control things, and the simplest way to gain knowledge these days is via this worldwide web. But trying to control things actually leaves me more anxious and fearful, since I'm really not at all in control.

And also, my job is getting busier, which will leave me less time for blogging.

So that's where I am right now. Part of me really hates the thought of quitting something that I just started six months ago--and definitely planned to keep going for several years. But avoiding shame isn't really a good reason to keep doing something. At least not usually.

This Post May Be Here for a While

Pete and I are leaving town tomorrow. We'll be on the East Coast for a couple of weeks, hanging out with friends and family, hopefully relaxing a bit.

During which time I will likely ovulate. And there's about a .00001% chance that I could find out I'm pregnant while gone. That would only happen if I ovulate by CD14 (ha ha ha ha...sigh) and get a BFP. Needless to say, I won't be packing any of my stash of pregnancy tests. Or tampons or pads. But the OPKs, thermometer, evening primrose oil, fish oil, prenatal vitamins, and mucinex will be coming. I hope the TSA doesn't decide to search my bag.

I just thought I should warn you all. I always have good intentions about keeping up with my virtual world when I'm traveling, but then I rarely actually do it. So if this post remains up top for a while, you'll know why.

And I do plan to keep up with reading all of your blogs! Though I won't promise anything on the commenting.

Blogher people--please don't hate me for not posting four times in the next two weeks. Thanks.

The Infertility Weight-Loss Blog Club

Has anyone else noticed how many infertility bloggers (including many of you, my dear readers) are working on losing weight? I think about half of the infertility bloggers in my reader are in the middle of some form of weight-loss program. I find it very interesting. Is this a good representative sample of all American women in their 20s and 30s? Or are we infertiles simply more prone to picking up other projects since we have been thwarted in our attempts at the one project we really want?

While I am not allowed to take any steps towards losing weight right now, I have been there before and so can sympathize with those of you going through it. When I finished my first year of college, I weighed in at 140 (I'm 5'4"). Definitely not overweight by objective standards. But with my small frame, I was packing quite a bit more flab than I liked, and had been slowly gaining all through high school. So, knowing very little about how to lose weight properly, I went on a crazy diet and exercise program for about 4 months. After several years of feeling very frustrated and self-conscious about my weight, I found that once I really, truly put my mind to it, it came off almost too easily. I guess I was blessed in that sense.

But then my period stopped coming...

Now I'm almost--a tiny bit--jealous of those of you who are losing weight. There's something so satisfying about watching those pounds fall off, and having a goal to work for, and feeling physically fit. But I also know how hard and frustrating it can be, and I'm cheering you all on!

Just do me a favor. Don't go overboard, like I did, okay? Our bodies really do like a bit of fat. And so do our husbands.

What We Did on Memorial Day

We did something awesome last weekend.

Something we've been wanting to do ever since we moved to this area. And something we never did because it was too expensive.

But Groupon got us what would normally be a $103 tour for about $40.

 I know it looks all high-tech and electric and everything. But it's basically a 50cc motorcycle with 3 wheels. And a GPS-guided recording that tells you where to turn and little tidbits about what you're passing (and cleverly pretends to be out of breath after you drive up a hill).

I did let Pete drive. He just took more pictures while I was in the driver's seat.

Despite the fact that we've lived in this area for almost four years now, and done lots of touristy things in that time, we still saw some areas of the city we hadn't seen before.

It was...

(I couldn't resist snapping a picture of this sign in Chinatown.)

And we ended the day with chocolate and wine (also thanks to Groupon).

That's all for now.

Finally, Some News

First of all, my sincere apologies to all of you for my absence from the blogging world over the past...um, five days or so. I've got no good reason for it. I was busy, yes, but not too busy. I wasn't really depressed or angry or anything either. Just didn't feel like spending much time in front of the computer. But I am catching up on my reader, so know that even if I didn't comment on your post, I'm thinking about you fondly and sending hugs your way.

Second, after several days of freaking out about how my body had just completely quit doing anything, I finally saw blood this morning. Probably the second happiest I've ever been to get my period. (The happiest was last fall--the first time she showed up naturally in six years.) Only 70 days after my last CD1. And exactly 7 days after the last Provera. So, onward I go, into the next cycle, armed with an arsenal of herbs, acupuncture appointments, and clomid. The lovely thing about this period is that it hasn't been nearly as painful as any of the others I've had since being off the pill. I don't know if that's because I didn't ovulate, or if the acupuncture is helping things be less "stuck" and crampy. But I'm not complaining. It feels so good to be done with the last cycle.

That's all for now. I plan to post again soon with a few pictures of our fun outing yesterday. But, seeing as this is the busiest week of work all year for me (it just happens to fall on a short week every year), I'm not making any promises about when that post will make an appearance.