I had several great ideas for posts today, but I think the best I can do is start one of them and save it in draft form. There's no way it's getting finished before I go to bed tonight.
Instead, this is what I have for you.
I have no good reason for wanting to quit. I haven't even been to an RE, for crying out loud. As far as I knew, there's very little that's actually wrong with me. And no reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant on my own within the next year.
But after the 16th negative OPK in a row (I don't even start until CD14), and after checking my cervix only to find lots of gloppy but little stretchy, I just feel like I can't take the unending suspense any longer.
And what does Ceejay like to do when the going gets tough? Quit. I've never claimed to be a tough person, so no, adversity does not just make me want to dig in and try harder. It makes me want to escape.
It's not just a matter of waiting to ovulate. It's also that I fear that until I get my cycles shorter, I have very little chance of conceiving. I know many women have conceived with long cycles. But since my mid-luteal phase progesterone levels have been below 5 each of the three times I've had them checked, I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with my cycles. And that it won't be fixed until I start ovulating sooner.
Of course, it could be that my luteal phase issues are actually somewhat separate from my slow ovulation issues, right? I'm sure they're both connecting to my hypothalamic amenorrhea. But maybe my ovulations have been fine in their reluctant slowness, but I just don't produce enough progesterone? And we can attribute the thus-far lack of success to the low progesterone?
The thing is, I just can't shake the feeling that the low progesterone is tied to my long cycles and thus indicative of a fundamental ovulation problem. Therefore, this cycle is already doomed since I'm on day 30 with no ovulation in sight. And since my body is showing no signs of speeding up (this is my fourth natural cycle where ovulation has been past day 30), I'm doomed forever.
This is right about where I start thinking more seriously about adoption because I'm so certain a pregnancy isn't going to happen.
The really stuffy/sneezy/runny/itchy nose I have right now isn't helping. I don't have seasonal allergies, and I'm not sick. But every few weeks, my nose randomly goes into mucus-producing overdrive. It lasts a miserable day or two and then subsides. And I simply cannot figure out what the cause is. Any ideas? A good dose of sudafed will usually kick it. But I care too much about my cervical mucus right now to risk drying it up with decongestants. So suffer I will.
That's it. Finished with my eeyoric whining. And yes, I did just coin that word: eeyoric. I kind of like it. Feel free to spread it and popularize it wherever you live. Until next time!
Update: Since Josey & Kelly just asked really good questions, I guess I should clarify where I am for my new followers, so you understand what my whining's all about at least a little better. I am fairly certain that I will ovulate at some point this cycle, so it's too early to give up and try to force a new cycle with provera. I have taken provera before when I hadn't had a period in months, and it actually didn't work for me--no period. I think it would work now, since I have gained weight and am actually cycling, but, like I said, I still probably am on my way toward ovulation, slow as it's going. As for the RE--no, I haven't seen one yet. Our insurance covers zero percent of all things infertility-related--not even the visit with the RE. My OB has worked with me some--at least through the basic bloodwork and ultrasound. But for right now, I'm going the traditional chinese medicine route with acupuncture and herbs, hoping it will get my cycles back on track eventually.