Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Am Eeyore. Hear Me Whine.

I had several great ideas for posts today, but I think the best I can do is start one of them and save it in draft form. There's no way it's getting finished before I go to bed tonight.

Instead, this is what I have for you.
Take that adorable sheepish smile off his (or her? what's with the pink bow?) face, and that's where I am today. Ready to run away and quit this whole trying to conceive thing. If I could find a world in which pregnant women did not exist, I might be able to pull it off. But I'm afraid that world went extinct a while back and I'm left in this fertile breeding ground.

I have no good reason for wanting to quit. I haven't even been to an RE, for crying out loud. As far as I knew, there's very little that's actually wrong with me. And no reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant on my own within the next year.

But after the 16th negative OPK in a row (I don't even start until CD14), and after checking my cervix only to find lots of gloppy but little stretchy, I just feel like I can't take the unending suspense any longer.

And what does Ceejay like to do when the going gets tough? Quit. I've never claimed to be a tough person, so no, adversity does not just make me want to dig in and try harder. It makes me want to escape.

It's not just a matter of waiting to ovulate. It's also that I fear that until I get my cycles shorter, I have very little chance of conceiving. I know many women have conceived with long cycles. But since my mid-luteal phase progesterone levels have been below 5 each of the three times I've had them checked, I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with my cycles. And that it won't be fixed until I start ovulating sooner.

Of course, it could be that my luteal phase issues are actually somewhat separate from my slow ovulation issues, right? I'm sure they're both connecting to my hypothalamic amenorrhea. But maybe my ovulations have been fine in their reluctant slowness, but I just don't produce enough progesterone? And we can attribute the thus-far lack of success to the low progesterone?

The thing is, I just can't shake the feeling that the low progesterone is tied to my long cycles and thus indicative of a fundamental ovulation problem. Therefore, this cycle is already doomed since I'm on day 30 with no ovulation in sight. And since my body is showing no signs of speeding up (this is my fourth natural cycle where ovulation has been past day 30), I'm doomed forever.

This is right about where I start thinking more seriously about adoption because I'm so certain a pregnancy isn't going to happen.

The really stuffy/sneezy/runny/itchy nose I have right now isn't helping. I don't have seasonal allergies, and I'm not sick. But every few weeks, my nose randomly goes into mucus-producing overdrive. It lasts a miserable day or two and then subsides. And I simply cannot figure out what the cause is. Any ideas? A good dose of sudafed will usually kick it. But I care too much about my cervical mucus right now to risk drying it up with decongestants. So suffer I will.

That's it. Finished with my eeyoric whining. And yes, I did just coin that word: eeyoric. I kind of like it. Feel free to spread it and popularize it wherever you live. Until next time!

Update: Since Josey & Kelly just asked really good questions, I guess I should clarify where I am for my new followers, so you understand what my whining's all about at least a little better. I am fairly certain that I will ovulate at some point this cycle, so it's too early to give up and try to force a new cycle with provera. I have taken provera before when I hadn't had a period in months, and it actually didn't work for me--no period. I think it would work now, since I have gained weight and am actually cycling, but, like I said, I still probably am on my way toward ovulation, slow as it's going. As for the RE--no, I haven't seen one yet. Our insurance covers zero percent of all things infertility-related--not even the visit with the RE. My OB has worked with me some--at least through the basic bloodwork and ultrasound. But for right now, I'm going the traditional chinese medicine route with acupuncture and herbs, hoping it will get my cycles back on track eventually.


Josey said...

Ceejay - I've been HIGHLY eeyoric lately, so I totally get where you're coming from. :)

I'm on CD46 right now with no ovulation in sight - it's super frustrating. I'm going to be starting Provera in a bit here to force another cycle to start - have you considered doing that? Or are you just trying to get your cycles to regulate naturally?

Kelly said...

Please don't feel like you're whining! You aren't! This is all so very frustrating and listening is why we are here.

I'm still fairly new to following you so forgive me that I don't know...are you planning on seeing and RE? It might help you feel as though you're taking that important next step.

((((HUGS))) Eyeore was always my favorite, anyway. Tigger is just waaaay too bouncy!

Jess said...

I am very much in the same place as you! I just feel like quitting.

When I saw the psychologist at my clinic, she said that if it would make me feel better, to come up with a "what next" plan. So that I knew that if the treatments we're on don't work - we have other options. So we're not taking the steps towards adoption but we are talking about it, so that I know we have a plan one way or another.

Miriam said...

I'm sending you lots of beautiful round follie vibes, with big full eggs, and I hope the Big O comes soon with lots of sound and fury so you can seize the opportunity!

Happy ICLW!
~Miriam (ICLW #46)
Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

Adele said...

Ach:( Allergies while not being able to pop a Sudafed, for fear of what that will do to the stretchy stuff is just not fair at all. I was there a few days ago and I suffered very loudly with it.

I really don't know about long follicular phases being tied to low progesterone in the luteal phase. My RE told us that very, very short follicular phases could be tied to a short luteal phase (thanks to a not baked enough egg) but not sure about the other end of the spectrum. Have you talked to your doc about progesterone suppositories in your lp? Or thought about the otc progesterone cream?

I'm hoping you ovulate SOON. It must be very, very frustrating - I'm sorry.

Andie said...

That sounds very frustrating. Can your current doc shed any light? Or the acupuncturist?

"eeyoric" - I love it.

Happy ICLW

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Waiting to ovulate sucks... especially when it's this long. Have you ever read the book "Making Babies?" It discusses different fertility types and late ovulation. Stupid OPKs and stupid late ovulation. I really hope the chinese herbs start kicking in for you. You will feel sooo much better when you can have a cycle in 30 days, and not WAIT 30 days just to ovulate!

Stickles McQueen said...

Oy, I hate the waiting to ovulate phase. We jokingly say "a watched uterus never ovulates" in our house, and it's sad but true. Sorry to hear that it's all getting you blue - I've been there...heck, I'll probably be there in about a week myself!

Would it help to take something like pure Mucinex? It would loosen everything up and help with the cervical mucus.

Crossed Fingers said...


I'm new so sorry if I'm asking questions that you have already answered in previous posts.

Are you temping/charting? I do the BBT and that shows me ovulation a LOT more clearer than OPK - those never seem to work for me. For a long time I had long cycles as well, it turns out I wasn't even ovulating and I didn't figure THAT out until I started charting my BBT.

Even after I started ovulating, OPK never came back + and I even tried that saliva test last cycle - I never saw a + with that either. I got pregnant my last cycle but that ended in a C/P.

I hope you figure things out and I'm sorry to hear your insurance doesn't cover an RE at all! That sucks!

ICLW #119

Alex said...

I'm so sorry you're down today - all this sounds incredibly frustrating! I think a visit to an RE would be worth it, even if you have to pay out of pocket for some of it - just to get some answers or opinions on your long cycles. Hang in there!!!

Leslie said...

Are you sure about your insurance? Sometimes they cover things that they say they don't cover, if the doctor knows how to tweak the codes! For example, your doctor could claim that your HA is a health risk to you or something... worth talking to your PCP about, to see if you can wrangle a referral.

Your situation sounds bad-- over 30 days in your follicular phase??? I would be totally insane by now! The only benefit I can see is that at least you know what the problem is, and it is one that meds can fix. Even if an ob prescribes them! I am serious, i think you should at least talk with an ob.

Now that i am all on this medical intervention kick! :) Of course, it's whenever YOU are ready.

You could also just go on a sumo-wrestler diet and see what happens!

But seriously, I am really sorry you are so discouraged.

Niki said...

I loved accupuncture I thought it was so realaxing and uplifting. I am assuming you read The Infertility Cure if not take a look. It follows the TCM. I too have long cycles (70+ days). It is frustrating. I hope you get your BPF really, really, soon.

Happy ICLW(#70)!
I am a new follower!

Angie said...

Hehe... "eeyoric." I love it! I, too, have been feeling like this as of late. I hope things improve for you!

Happy ICLW! (#48)

Julize said...

I'm so sorry--that just sucks and you have every right to whine. Any chance that you could change your insurance?

Another thought--have you ever tried natural progesterone cream? Once you get to the point of ovulating, it could at least help ensure that your levels are adequate to support a pregnancy.

Hang in there. I think trying TCM is a good approach given the limitations imposed by your insurance.

Leslie said...

Hello! Thank you for stopping by my blog = ) I am sorry you are feeling eeyoric. I have been in the same position with long cycles and know that it can be frustrating to not ovulate or ovulate late. I too started acupuncture last July and believe it has helped me a lot! I hope it helps you too!

TwoDogMama said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog from ICLW. It is interesting to read about your condition, as it was something I was totally unaware of. I hope everything works out and your period shows up soon. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what I'm talking about - but do you think you OB would pretend to be an RE and order up some tests that might help give you some direction regarding your luteal phase defect? I've tried acupuncture in the past and found it to be quite effective. Good luck and I hope you get a much needed break.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Love the new word, love your honesty. I know how hard this is. Sweetie, you are going through so much right now and I am praying that O is right around the corner for you. It is so hard to see all those preggos and people with small children around. You can't even go shopping to cheer yourself up because shops are always packed with them. Ugh, I can't believe your insurance pays for nothing either. Keep hanging in there, hoping things start looking up soon :)

Fran said...

Hello! Stopping by from ICLW.

Personally I don't think ow progesterone will cause longer cycles, on the contrary. I went through a phase where I had long follicular phases and short lutheal ones. A mess. Some people suggested to drink grapefruit juice to speed up ovulation with nice EWCM, others suggested MACA. I nver really tried the second one but by the time I knew I had been on this roller-coaster for a while. Sending you hugs and cheering this little egg along! Fran

ICLW #71

Hope said...

Thanks for stopping by. I am eeyoric (almost) every day! I went to a Chinese Medicine Dr & Acupuncturist and I loved them and it all made total sense. The only reason I switched to an RE so quick was because of my "advanced maternal age". I totally think the natural way is the way to go if you have a little time. If you haven't read it, the book Making Babies by Sami David is awesome! He's an RE who believes in alternative medicine. Wishing you a BFP very soon!

s said...

you are allowed to whine. you are allowed to complain. you are allowed to feel injustice, and that it's just not fair.
don't ever beat up on yourself for feeling sad or angry or whatever you are feeling.
it's what you do with those sad feelings, you know? feel what you feel, and then try to move on. even if you have to do this 100 times a day. show them who is boss. you be the winner, not the feelings of sadness.

Browniris said...

You're not whining! I wish that even though there isn't a world without pg women, there could at least be a city. :)

Nic said...

I'm sorry you're feeling eeyoric (love that term too!), I am nigh certain that the long follicular phase is not a problem other than it's length... but any chance your doc could do an u/s over the next day or two just to see what's going on? i was just reading an article recently, unfortunatley I can't remember where, that was discussing the follicular phase and said that short ones can be a problem b/c the egg doesn't have enough time to mature, but for long ones it just takes the body more time to gear up to get that egg going. Which is also what danaesb's RE (vets board) said when she asked that question. I absolutely know how much the waiting stinks, but I do think that once you get there you have a great chance.

Dr. Edward Ramirez, MD, FACOG said...

Hello, visiting from ICLW...and am an infertility doc not too far from you in Monterey. I have been priviliged to read quite a few blogs so far this week, including yours. I find that the journey is different for so many of you out there but I think what all of you have in common is the courage to share the experience with others. I too, ironically, have gone through infertility with my wife many years ago. We had been TTC for 12 years & finally in 1996 after natural cycles, clomid & then IUIs we went for IVF. With her endo & my low motility, it was the best choice. We were lucky that with her high FSH and age, 37, that we were able to get that one embryo that took & today our daughter is a wonderful, healthy 12 yr. old. I too have a blog that you might want to visit...with questions from all over the world. Keep up the acupuncture, but if your OB cannot come up with a good protocol, it may be necessary to visit an RE and you should be referred to one! Good luck with your journey, it may only take a little longer! ICLW #7

BabyWid said...

Happy ICLW!!

Don't worry about whining - your blog is a perfect place for you to vent!
I hope you will ovulate very soon and in turns you will see you BFP in the very near future! Hang in there and have faith!!

Anonymous said...

Hey, we all get a little whiney at times. It comes with the territory. I hope that you ovulate soon and that you have luck very soon. We, too, paid OOP for everything having to do with IF. It's tough, but if you put your mind to it, I believe everyone can make it happen without having to go into debt.

Lots of luck to you!!

Chelle said...

Insurance companies make me so angry. I am sorry to hear that yours won't even cover an RE visit. I would be calling and screaming at mine if they didn't because an RE is the only one who can perform the sugery I need, and without that surgery, pregnancy could be life threatening for me.

I am sorry you are so down. During these times, try to do something just for you that makes you happy, if even only for a moment. Go get a hair cut, get a pedicure, see a movie, anything that brings you happiness and takes you away from the pain of infertility.

Kakunaa said...

Eeyoric - *snort* - I LOVE IT. That's what we do on these blogs - vent. It's not whining :) Keep up the trying! Thanks for stopping by my site. ICLW