We Have a Heartbeat!

I firmly believe that very few people in the world care to look at other people's ultrasound pictures. Especially the transvaginal ultrasounds. Who wants to see a picture that was taken from someone else's vagina? And there's not much to see that early anyway.

Nonetheless, I'm shamelessly posting mine. Just because I've wondered so often what it would be like to post an ultrasound picture somewhere on the internet. And no way am I ever posting one on facebook. I've had my day ruined too many times by seeing other people's in my feed.

Baby Peebs (yes, that's our dorky code name, and how we came up with it is a long story that I don't even remember) has a strong heartbeat, and is measuring at 7 weeks 3 days, which is exactly what I had calculated based on when I ovulated.

We're pretty ecstatic. It was really amazing to see that little flickering heartbeat inside my uterus! I feel a little less begrudging of the all-day sickness and bloating I've been experienced now that I know there really is a living being inside of me. And I feel like I can finally embrace this pregnancy.

Pete and I are now debating as to when we should start telling people, and who to tell when. 12 weeks seems to be the norm, but I read somewhere that the chance of a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat goes down to 2-4% for someone who has no history of miscarriage or reason to fear it. When I told Pete that, he thought we should go ahead and tell all our semi-close friends. I still feel hesitant, but maybe it's just because most of them have waited until 12 weeks to tell us. And we have told our parents and two close friends who knew about our TTC saga. I needed the support while I was fearing the worst.

What do you all think about telling friends? I think most of you whose blogs I'm following (yes, I'm still following, even though I haven't commented much recently) who are pregnant waited until around 12 weeks. Any pros or cons either way?

Life Since the BFP

It's been two and half weeks since I first saw that faint second line. One week since I saw a gestational sac in my uterus and was able to believe that I really am pregnant. Like most six-and-a-half-week-pregnant women, I don't really feel pregnant. Sure, I've had a little nausea. Nothing edible sounds very edible to me right now. And the insides of both of my elbows show signs of the varying levels of skill of the lab technicians who took my blood for my betas (speaking of which, I had another set of betas done this weekend, and the results were 11k on Friday and 17k on Sunday).

But otherwise, life goes on humdrum. And I'm pretty happy about that. Change of any kind has the ability to raise my anxiety levels, no matter how excited I am about that change. So I'm very content with easing into the changes of pregnancy.

To be honest, the biggest change so far is the fact that I have to question everything I put in my mouth. All these supplements I was on while TTC, my herbal teas, my lunchmeat, my sleep aids... So far, this has also been the most annoying part of pregnancy, since you can find completely conflicting information about every single pill, food, or beverage you might take (except, of course, illegal drugs, alcohol, or tobacco). I've found that for most OTC drugs I might consider taking, What to Expect While You're Expecting will tell me to avoid them, and I'll find numerous stories on message boards of women who took them through their entire pregnancy and were fine. Of course I've been avoiding them as much as possible. But what if I do get a cold? Or have trouble sleeping? Or, drink tea that contains licorice root for a few weeks before finding out that licorice root is bad for pregnancy (yep, just discovered that one yesterday right after drinking a cup to ease my stomach)? Am I a bad mother already because I didn't follow the most cautious route possible? It's all very confusing.

Anyway, it's not that big of a deal. I'm still holding myself back from completely believing in this whole thing. Seeing the heartbeat (hopefully) next week will help a lot, as will making it five more weeks. In the meantime, I'm praising God and praying for each of you out there who is wading through the muck that is infertility.

Time to force down some yogurt.

The Past Month in Review

I believe my last post was about a month ago, shortly following my last ovulation. The saga in my body since then has been long, very eventful, and very twisty. And because I haven't updated in so long, this update is becoming longer and longer in my head, which has led to me procrastinating it even more because I'm afraid of how long it will take to write. But here goes, in the shortest version possible. Bullet points.

• As a refresher, I ovulated on July 18, which was day 17 after my third round of clomid. The earliest I've ever ovulated, and with the most ewcm I've ever had. Nervous anticipation ensues.
• 8 days later, I am on vacation with my husband's family. I spend the day (Monday, July 26) with really bad cramps and feeling really achy. I'm pretty sure my period is going to show too early again. Dang it, I had really been hoping for a longer LP this time. I resigned myself to returning to progesterone suppositories for the next cycle. I'm also debating whether I should reduce to 25mg of clomid instead of 50, after reading the book Making Babies (which I highly, highly recommend to all of you going through IF out there).
• The next day, I see the first signs of blood. Only 9dpo! I spend the afternoon sulking (well, praying, actually) in our room, despite the fact that I'm surrounded by a ton of family and in a beautiful location on a lake in the mountains in the middle of nowhere.
• By the next day, the spotting increases a bit, and my temperature has dropped. I stick a tampon in it and try to forget about it, thinking I'm on CD1. But, on CD2, my temp goes way up again, and the bleeding has decreased to spotting again. Now I'm confused about why my period is so light. Was my lining really that thin?
• By Friday (what I think is CD3), the bleeding has mostly stopped. My temp is down again, though. In the afternoon, while I'm trying to help my mother-in-law cook for a big group of Pete's friends coming over, I start feeling really tired and have to go lay down.
• Since I was planning to start clomid on CD4, I decide I should take a pregnancy test that morning, just to make sure. Especially since my temp is back up. Fortunately, I packed a few HPTs, so I pull one out and sneak a glass from the kitchen. I PIAC (Pee In A Cup) and wait. If it's not CD4, the day is 13dpo.
• And there it is. A very, very faint second line. Which Pete concurs is really there. Not just in my head.
• I call my doctor's office to make an appointment with a new OB, since my OB deserted me and went on sabbatical. The nurse makes me listen to a recording telling me congratulations, and stop smoking and drinking. I can't believe I'm listening to a recording with instructions for pregnant women.
• We fly home that day, and the next day, I take a second HPT, which has a slightly darker second line.
• I go to my appointment with my new OB on Monday. They have me pee in a cup for another urine test at the beginning of the appointment, but I've been drinking tons of water, so apparently that test comes back negative. So this new OB walks into the exam room basically to tell me that it was probably a chemical pregnancy and I already lost it. She does a quick ultrasound to check for any signs of an ectopic and tells me that my lining is way too thin for this to be a real pregnancy. Also, clomid will never work for me, and I really need to see an RE. Um, what about the fact that clomid has worked for me 3 times? I mean, at least I've ovulated each time, and early than I would normally. She doesn't seem to have a good answer for this one. I resolve that I will not be sticking with this OB, no matter what happens.
• She does order a beta for me, and, low and behold, it comes back at 192. Since she wasn't paying attention when I told her what dpo I was at (only 15), she tells me that this is low. Which is not true. 192 is pretty normal to high for 15dpo, at least from what my internet searching tells me.
• I go in for another beta on Wednesday, 17dpo, and the result is somewhere in the 400s (she wouldn't tell me the exact number). More than doubled in two days.
• Now she and I are both very concerned about an ectopic. If my lining was really as thin as she said, how could it be a uterine pregnancy? So I go in a week later (which was this past Wednesday), with Pete this time, for ultrasound #2. With the same OB, since I have to do the follow up with her. And there it is. A gestational sac in the uterus. Which all but completely rules out an ectopic. She says, finally, that she is happy with what she sees, though she won't completely rule out an ectopic until she sees a heartbeat.
• She doesn't know, but she won't be the one seeing the heartbeat, assuming it's there. I have my 7-week appointment with a different OB who looks to have more experience.
• I am going in today and Sunday for two more betas ordered by the current OB. She wants to make sure the pregnancy is progressing normally.

After having this pregnancy taken away from me and then given back three times already, I'm still in a bit of shock. Okay, a lot of shock. And though I'm feeling really hopeful, I'm also keeping in mind the odds of miscarriage at this point. I refuse to start reading all the preggo books or anything like that until I see that heartbeat.

But for now, I'm really, truly pregnant. The mild cramps and hints of nausea (and oh my word, the gas!) are making sure I don't forget the presence of the little one!

Only 3 Days from Normal

I'm officially 4 dpo today. The week of bloating, gassiness, and a lovely swollen ovary feeling culminated with a fairly dramatic ovulation on Sunday. Dramatic in that I could feel it all day, probably because my ovaries were so freakin' huge. I don't actually know how big they were, but they felt huge. I guess clomid can do that.

But guess what day Sunday was? CD 17! I can hardly believe I ovulated that early, even with the clomid. My earliest previous clomid ovulation was around CD 22, and my earliest natural ovulation was CD 33. I also had way more ewcm this time than I've ever had before, and very nicely timed sex. And I'm on herbs that will supposedly help my luteal phase. So I've got all that going for me.

Going against me are the period-like cramps I've been feeling since yesterday. Way too early for anything implantation-related, so probably progesterone-related. But the fact that I've had similar cramps this early in several of my previous two-week waits, during which my progesterone has always been too low, makes me think that nothing's changed in that arena. That I'm still having progesterone problems, and that my period will come too early again.

Before you suggest progesterone suppositories for my LP, I'll just say that I've taken them for three of my cycles. And they do lengthen my LP. I'm simply not convinced that they're solving the problem. I feel like my body needs to start producing more of its own progesterone before I'll get pregnant. The suppositories just stretch out the agony of the two-week wait (and make all the PMS symptoms much worse). If I'm not pregnant, I'd rather just get my period and get it over with. I know many women have gotten pregnant on the suppositories. I just feel like they aren't doing it for me. At least for now.

But seriously, body. Do you really need to give me cramps so, so often? I would really like to be able to forget about my abdominal region every now and then. Especially during the two-week wait. But you just won't let me.

If You're Curious

I thought I would drop in here again and just give a brief update. I noticed that I have actually gained a few followers in my absence, which makes me laugh, but is really fun. So far, following me has been a very low time commitment for those of you who have just joined!

After a couple of days of tiny hints of spotting, my period came at either 10 or 11 dpo last cycle. I'm not sure which because I'm not sure exactly which day I ovulated. I like to believe it was 11 dpo, which would give me an almost acceptable luteal phase. But still a bit shorter than I would like. So my body seems happy to ovulate nicely on clomid, but apparently is not quite as good at producing adequate progesterone. I'm going to take some kidney yang strengthening herbs this time around during the LP and see if we can lengthen it a bit.

One really interesting note about my last cycle: Starting around the middle of the previous cycle (the one where I did not take clomid, and in which my body tried really hard to ovulate but never made it), I was having lots of gas almost all the time. I would get a bit of relief for about one or two days a week, and then it would start up again. It wasn't really painful, but just annoying to the point of keeping me awake at night. It gradually morphed into a general upset feeling in my stomach. My acupuncturist predicted that it might ease up during my next cycle if I took clomid and got things moving in my ovaries better. But I didn't really believe her and decided I just needed to grit my teeth and endure it with a good attitude. And try not to think about it too much. Traveling helped a bit with that.

And then I ovulated. And low and behold, the gas disappeared! Like, almost completely! Apparently my stomach was not happy with my ovaries. Neither was I, so at least we agreed on that. I've had a little gas here and there this cycle, but I'm guessing it will go away again after I ovulate. And it's not nearly as bad.

So there's your fun fact about my digestive system for the day. I should add that at least the gas wasn't stinky. For which my husband was very grateful.

Oh, and I'm on CD12 today after another round of clomid. Here we go, clomid round 3!

I'm Back...

...to California. As of yesterday. It's both sad and nice to be back home and getting back into the routine. Ya'll know how it goes.

I did ovulate about a week ago, praise God. Even though it was a clomid cycle, I kind of gave up hope that it was going to happen, since I got a positive OPK on Saturday the 19th but still hadn't seen a convincing temperature rise by Wednesday. But the temps did finally shoot up. So I'm thinking I o'd either Monday or Tuesday. Right now I'm having the cramps I always seem to get mid-luteal-phase.

In the meantime, I'm evaluating the future of this blog. These past couple of weeks have been really, really good for my sense of peace and trust in God. For a whole plethora of reasons--not just because I was away from the blogging world. But I have started to think that keeping this blog actually fosters my anxiety rather than helping to quell it. Like I'm using this blog to try to control the situation. I use knowledge to try to control things, and the simplest way to gain knowledge these days is via this worldwide web. But trying to control things actually leaves me more anxious and fearful, since I'm really not at all in control.

And also, my job is getting busier, which will leave me less time for blogging.

So that's where I am right now. Part of me really hates the thought of quitting something that I just started six months ago--and definitely planned to keep going for several years. But avoiding shame isn't really a good reason to keep doing something. At least not usually.

This Post May Be Here for a While

Pete and I are leaving town tomorrow. We'll be on the East Coast for a couple of weeks, hanging out with friends and family, hopefully relaxing a bit.

During which time I will likely ovulate. And there's about a .00001% chance that I could find out I'm pregnant while gone. That would only happen if I ovulate by CD14 (ha ha ha ha...sigh) and get a BFP. Needless to say, I won't be packing any of my stash of pregnancy tests. Or tampons or pads. But the OPKs, thermometer, evening primrose oil, fish oil, prenatal vitamins, and mucinex will be coming. I hope the TSA doesn't decide to search my bag.

I just thought I should warn you all. I always have good intentions about keeping up with my virtual world when I'm traveling, but then I rarely actually do it. So if this post remains up top for a while, you'll know why.

And I do plan to keep up with reading all of your blogs! Though I won't promise anything on the commenting.

Blogher people--please don't hate me for not posting four times in the next two weeks. Thanks.