Half As Many Chances

I realized that I haven't updated in the past week on what's going on in my infertility world. This past week has actually been pretty tough for me emotionally, so I think I just didn't want to write about it. But here's the quick and dirty low-down in everyone's favorite format (the ubiquitous bullet point).

• Last Saturday, my acupuncturist told me to wait until Thursday, which would be CD 58, and, if I hadn't ovulated by then, to start taking Provera. I was actually pretty hopeful that I would ovulate, because my ovulation symptoms had returned with a force.
• Pete was leaving Sunday for a week-long trip, so we enjoyed a bit of a (ahem) twos-y on Saturday before he left. I thought, how perfect would it be if I ovulated at the beginning of this week and got pregnant? Right in the nick of time! I think most of us have had those "right in the nick of time" hopes--that get subsequently dashed hard--because we hear so many stories of that happening. 
• I spent Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday agonizing over every possible symptom and being devastated over every negative OPK. And for some reason, my body picked this week to go on the fritz in other areas: I've been so bloated, gassy, and crampy that I haven't been able to sleep well at night, my skin, throat, and eyes have been really dry (to the point that one of my fingers cracked open--and we're in May here, folks, not January). I guess that could all be stress-related, but I've never had so many physical symptoms so quickly from stress. My theory is that I had been taking the most recent herb formula prescribed by Katy the Needle Lady for too long, and it was creating excess "dryness" in my "human garden."
• Part of what I was agonizing about was whether I should wait until after Pete got home to start on the Provera, giving my body one last chance to ovulate and get pregnant, or if I should just give up and start it. I do know of one other woman (a fellow hypothalamic amenorrhea sufferer) who ovulated on day 60 and got pregnant.
• After spending two hours crying on the phone with my parents and Pete yesterday, I felt more rational and decided I couldn't take the agonizing wait any more. And that I was just kidding myself to think my body might ovulate. So I called Katy and got the clear to start Provera. She also promised that my body would, eventually, get back in balance. I'm choosing to believe her because I don't have any other options at this point.
• I started Provera last night. Take that, day 57. Of course, my temp shot way up this morning as a result and Fertility Friend decided to give me a dotted-line ovulation. Thanks, dear Fertility Friend. I really needed that reminder. 

Of course, now I have this irrational fear in the back of my mind that I might not get a bleed from Provera, and then I might not respond to Clomid this time. It's just so hard to trust my body on anything anymore. But I've had so many symptoms of rising estrogen that I know I've got to have a lining thick enough to bleed. So by my calculations, I should be ovulating sometime in the next 40 days. Bring. It. On.