Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This Is Life.

Thanks to whoever submitted my news to the LFCA! That was so sweet of you, dear mystery blog reader. That's why I love you all so much.


I take my last Provera tonight, to hopefully induce a bleed so that I can get started on a Clomid cycle. If you're stopping by for the first time (or need a refresher), I am ovulating on my own, but very slowly. And I'm hopefully coming to the end of a cycle that's been over two months long, with no ovulation but tons of crazy hormonal symptoms. The Provera definitely hasn't helped with the symptoms. I've taken it a couple of times before and have never noticed many symptoms at all. But of course, both of those times were before my body was cycling on its own. This time, I've basically felt like I'm having a bad period for the past six days or so. Which is all the more frustrating because I'm not seeing any blood yet, so there's none of the sense of release that comes with a period. But that *should* be on its way soon.

In other news, my parents, who currently live in Africa, are also going through a really difficult time right now. For a whole plethora of reasons, the biggest one being the migraine headaches/insomnia that have been plaguing my dad for a while. 30 or so years, in fact, but suddenly much worse. Their struggles are beside the point of this blog. But our phone conversations have been very interesting over the past week, as we're both going through really, really tough stuff. We're facing the same kind of emotional ups and downs, struggling with God, wishing things were different, praying for change, and, yes, feeling at times like we're really doing okay. The same kinds of things that most of you are going through. And if you're not going through this stuff now, you either have before or will be sometime in the future. I work at a church, which means that I hear stories all the time of people in our congregation going through awful, painful experiences. Any time I start to think I'm alone in my suffering, I hear another story that reminds me that this world is filled with suffering.

This is life. I actually believe that most of the real stuff in life happens in these hard places. We are formed, shaped, chiseled, molded. We feel like we did nothing to deserve this. But who are we to determine what we deserve? Who are we to claim that we have a right to an easy life? To be honest, when I look at someone who has had an easy life and compare him or her with someone who has endured real pain gracefully...well, the second person is almost always far more attractive and beautiful--in character, that is. Easy lives breed complacency, self-centeredness, and a false sense of control. I would prefer not to remain blind in my illusions of comfort and security.

This post is not meant to be a downer. To me, this stuff is what helps me get through the dark times. What helps me believe that my "up" days are just as authentic and realistic--if not more so--than my "down" days. Even though the "down" days sometimes feel like the only they're the only truth that exists.

Okay. Time to put my recruiting hat back on and get back to my real job. Speaking of which...any of you feel like moving to California and hanging out with kids every Sunday morning for the summer? No? I can't imagine why not. But I just had to check.

16 comments:

Littlest True Blue said...

So funny! I just posted on my blog that I am dying to move to California! Unfortuantely, with hubs having a big wig job here in the financial industry I don't think he'll be up for the move! it would probably be a pay cut to work with the kids every Sunday morning! But it would totally be fun! Ahhhh... I love California! Hope you see some blood soon!!!! Release!
LTB

Goodyear Family said...

Thanks for the reminder- I needed that. And the move to California is tempting, but just too dang expensive!

Josey said...

I'm praying for you that AF shows up RIGHT NOW THIS VERY SECOND! Good luck with this next cycle - may it be shorter and more successful than the last...

cgd said...

crossing my finger for AF's arrival and for some relief for your dad.
I love you post today about what happens to people who have been through a ton. Although I do not wish my life experiences on anyone, I know they have made me who I currently am. I am stronger and more compassionate as a result. thanks for reminding me of this.
Sending love you way (and to your parents)

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Ceejay congrats on finally graduating!! You look sooo cute in the photo ;)
I really like this post. I can totally relate and you're right, we can't really say that we have a right to an easy life.
Hoping that your Dad gets better soon!!

Adele said...

I hope AF gets here already. Sounds like you've had all of the negative (that lovely period feeling) without the actual goods!! And I'm so sorry about your dad. I've had migraines and they are wretched, and so I can't imagine the hell of suffering with them for that period of time.

You make a good point. Easy living does breed complacency. And maybe even selfishness. Still, here's hoping that slightly easier living is heading our way, to temper the other stuff.

Alex said...

Hoping AF shows up real soon!

It's nice that you and your Dad can talk through stuff together - sounds like you guys have a great relationship.

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm sorry your dad is going through a rough spot! :( That cannot be easy esp since he's so far away!

I agree with your stance on how an easy life leads to a false sense of control. I think we get thrown road blocks to let us know that we don't control everything.

Hope AF shows up soon!

K said...

The California move is tempting but I have to pass. LOL

ICLW

Jenny said...

I saw you on the LFCA. Someone submitted my news to there last week. I still don't know who did it lol.

I'm in the same boat as you with the provera/clomid. I just got prescribed both yesterday, but I don't start the provera until next week if my period hasn't arrived. Which -sighs- I know it won't. I'm a late ovulater.

Leslie said...

Thanks for this post-- a great reminder that suffering IS part of life, and it is ok to be here from time to time. Hopefully not permanently...

I hope your dad finds dome relief, and that we do, too.

Gundy said...

I loved your post, especially about letting go of the "why me?" mentality. I'm praying that your body starts responding soon, because you truly deserve a breakthrough soon...you've been so patient.

Niki said...

I hope Aunt Flo shows up immediately!

Shirley said...

some days I really don't like it, but i believe that what you say is true. Sometimes I'd rather stay the mushy blob I am than to be formed, shaped, chiseled (ow!) and molded. But ultimately, I'd rather grow in character and grace.

Thanks for the offer...but I already live in California and play with kids every Sunday year round. And I don't think you could tempt me away with a better set of kids. =) Ours are pretty awesome.

* PCOS CHICK * said...

Hey Love,
I've been enjoying keeping up with your blog. Keep your head up and don't give up. I am new to your blog and now I'm following you. I'll be praying for you, and I really hope and pray things work out for you. I know how hard it is, I have PCOS and its tough ttc. I hope you will check out my blog, and become a follower of mine and add me to your blogroll.

http://ourjourneythrufaith.blogspot.com/

Hope you'll check it out. Take care and God Bless. :)

Julize said...

So true. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? And someday, when we all have the families we've been craving so badly, we'll appreciate them all the more. I think this is a great attitude.

Here's hoping the Provera does the trick this time!