7 DPO

I got my progesterone tested on Friday, which was 5 dpo. A little early. But the result came back yesterday at 4.8--really low, barely enough to confirm ovulation. I was rather surprised at how bummed I was. I of course started on the yucky progesterone suppositories right away, so I'm pretty confident that I should be able "save" this cycle in terms of the length of the luteal phase. But I think I had really started hoping that my progesterone would be in the normal range. The first time I had it tested (and ended up with only a 9 day LP), it was a bit low, but that was my first cycle after the pill, and I had ovulated on, like, CD 140 or something crazy like that. Last cycle, I went on the suppositories, but I had terrible pms the whole time and my period didn't start until 18dpo, so I thought I was perhaps overdosing on the progesterone and my body was fine on its own. I guess not.

I guess I keep hoping that something will come along to make me "normal." I was actually a bit encouraged that both of the past two cycles have been about the same length. I mean, some regularity should be better than complete randomness, right? I thought maybe this was just normal for my body and everything else would fall into place. Now I feel like there's still something clearly wrong, and that my chances of conception are still low. And I especially feel like this cycle is out.

I came across a really interesting article on pubmed that helps to explain long follicular phases. It says that sometimes, we have one follicle that starts to dominate that then falls away for some reason, and then another follicle grows and ovulates. This could explain why I had about 5 days of ewcm earlier in my cycle this last time. It could be that I had another follicle that was trying to ovulate but failed. So that gives me some hope that my cycles could shorten up in the future. Also of interest: women with long follicular phases are at reduced risk of breast cancer (yay!) but greater risk of bone loss, which I'm already at risk for as an HAer.

I made the mistake last night of trying to do a ton of research on why I might be have luteal phase defect. No good answers--or at least nothing that I didn't already know. But then I went to bed depressed and had trouble sleeping and feel a bit depressed today. I've been trying to just focus on God whenever I start to feel anxious. This whole thing is completely in his hands. If I ever get pregnant, it will be a miracle that he made happen. If now isn't the time, I have to trust that he has something better for us.