The Infertility Social Networking Pet Peeve

I can't be the only one who is starting to dread checking my facebook because of the many pregnancy and baby-related updates I will see. Seriously. Every time I check my home page, there is bound to be at least two. My least favorite? Ultrasound pictures that become people's profile pictures. Really? Do you really want a picture that was taken from your wife's vagina as your profile picture? I have news for you. No one wants to see that except your mother. Other annoying habits: women whose every status update has something to do with the discomforts of pregnancy. Or moms who change their email addresses to something like "jimmy.mom@gmail" or "busymommy@yahoo." Jimmy's future little siblings are out of luck, I guess.

The latest, and this is not really a social networking thing but is nonetheless annoying, is the professional maternity photo shoot. I just popped on my fb account and saw that a friend of a friend had uploaded an album of professional maternity pictures. That's a tradition that ranks up there with the Texas tradition of pre-wedding bridal portraits in strangeness.

Would any of this bother me if I had gotten pregnant within the first month of trying? I can't really say. I'd like to think it would, because I've always felt sympathetic to the plight of the infertile woman--but that's probably because I've always suspected I would be an infertile. So I have always vowed that if I ever do get pregnant and have a child, I will not be one of those people. My children will not exist on facebook. Just to retaliate at all the child-obsessed social networkers out there. I'm sure they'll learn their lesson for good from that.

Finding God in Infertility

What an amazing article. Sent to me by my mother, of course.

A Short Break

Just a quick update here. I just finished my last 50mg clomid pill two days ago, so now I'm back on the waiting-for-ovulation train. But, I at least get to enjoy a break from any physical reminders of IF for a few days--no daily pill-taking and too early for daily OPKs. They will come soon enough. Of course, my body won't let me forget about it, even if my mind were capable of it. I'm having all the same cramps and pain in my ovaries/abdomen area that I seem to have more often than not these days. I'm trying not to be concerned about it, though it does seem unusual to feel my ovaries so often. I don't think it's just hypersensitivity. Anyway, I'm interested to see how early I ovulate this cycle. Someone on my HA board warned that it could actually take longer than my normal cycle, which was a bit surprising. But at least I know to try not to freak out if I haven't ovulated by day 33.

No Go

I'm sitting in the Hong Kong airport on my way back home, and I thought I'd drop in for an update. Though I really had very little reason for hope this past cycle, of course I was still hoping a bit. But AF showed up at 14dpo. I'm happy she showed on time rather than postponing for so long like last time. But of course, I was still a little disappointed. And this has been a particularly annoying period. Not much bleeding, which is a little discouraging because it seems like my lining was a bit thin. And terrible cramps/backache/fatigue all throughout, even on the third and fourth day. Okay not terrible, but annoying and pretty bad at times, like yesterday when I was trying to enjoy an outing in Kowloon with a bunch of people. Bad enough the ibuprofen only took the edge off.

I'm planning to start on 50mg of clomid tomorrow, taking it days 5-9 of the cycle. My hopes are high because logically, it should help with my long cycles/insufficient ovulation. Who knows, maybe I'll even ovulate before day 30 this time! Imagine that! But I'm also feeling discouraged about the fact that I am not seeing an RE (can't afford it right now with zero insurance coverage for anything infertility related). I really wish I could know things like how well I'm ovulating and how thick my lining is and figure out why my progesterone was so low. But maybe God is protecting us from more knowledge than we need right now.

I also just popped on facebook and was reminded of how many friends I have who are having babies or have babies That made me sad. I'm really, really ready for a child at this point, especially after a week of watching 8 really cute, really well-behaved kids. When will it be my turn?

Lost Cycle

I'm still feeling really sad about my low progesterone. My OB emailed me about it last night and said I could "not be effectively ovulating," and this would be the cause of the LPD and low progesterone. She did say it could also just be the long follicular phase. But ineffective ovulation? What the heck does that mean? I just feel sad. And I don't have another person in my house to help me pull out of my crazies and talk sense into me.

I guess a big part of my disappointment is that now I'm fairly certain that this cycle is out. I knew we didn't have great chances, but ovulating just in time and then finding out that the due date would be my birthday both seemed like such good signs. But the low progesterone is not a good sign, and I'm having basically the exact same kinds of cramps on the same days as last cycle. My temperature even spiked this morning, and it spiked around the same time last cycle.

So I just need to get used to the idea that this is another cycle gone, and it's a good thing that I went in for that blood test and realized that I do still have a problem. I guess the good thing is that my problems will likely be helped significantly with clomid, so I'm thinking I'll probably take that next cycle. And that would likely mean an earlier ovulation, so maybe I won't have quite as long of a waiting period.

The waiting is just killer. I can't put enough emphasis behind each of those words, and there's no other good way of saying it. I think sometimes my desire to know that I will be able to get pregnant and when is greater than my desire to actually have a child. If I knew that we would successfully conceive, say, next November, I think that would be easier than the ongoing ups and downs and frustrations and hope we have to wade through now. But that's not the way God likes to do things. I guess we have way more to learn from the uncertainty than the simple act of waiting. And the thing is, our certainty should be in the fact that he loves us and has an astoundingly wonderful plan for us, not in the specific whens and hows.

7 DPO

I got my progesterone tested on Friday, which was 5 dpo. A little early. But the result came back yesterday at 4.8--really low, barely enough to confirm ovulation. I was rather surprised at how bummed I was. I of course started on the yucky progesterone suppositories right away, so I'm pretty confident that I should be able "save" this cycle in terms of the length of the luteal phase. But I think I had really started hoping that my progesterone would be in the normal range. The first time I had it tested (and ended up with only a 9 day LP), it was a bit low, but that was my first cycle after the pill, and I had ovulated on, like, CD 140 or something crazy like that. Last cycle, I went on the suppositories, but I had terrible pms the whole time and my period didn't start until 18dpo, so I thought I was perhaps overdosing on the progesterone and my body was fine on its own. I guess not.

I guess I keep hoping that something will come along to make me "normal." I was actually a bit encouraged that both of the past two cycles have been about the same length. I mean, some regularity should be better than complete randomness, right? I thought maybe this was just normal for my body and everything else would fall into place. Now I feel like there's still something clearly wrong, and that my chances of conception are still low. And I especially feel like this cycle is out.

I came across a really interesting article on pubmed that helps to explain long follicular phases. It says that sometimes, we have one follicle that starts to dominate that then falls away for some reason, and then another follicle grows and ovulates. This could explain why I had about 5 days of ewcm earlier in my cycle this last time. It could be that I had another follicle that was trying to ovulate but failed. So that gives me some hope that my cycles could shorten up in the future. Also of interest: women with long follicular phases are at reduced risk of breast cancer (yay!) but greater risk of bone loss, which I'm already at risk for as an HAer.

I made the mistake last night of trying to do a ton of research on why I might be have luteal phase defect. No good answers--or at least nothing that I didn't already know. But then I went to bed depressed and had trouble sleeping and feel a bit depressed today. I've been trying to just focus on God whenever I start to feel anxious. This whole thing is completely in his hands. If I ever get pregnant, it will be a miracle that he made happen. If now isn't the time, I have to trust that he has something better for us.

'Get Me Out': Making Babies Through The Ages : NPR

'Get Me Out': Making Babies Through The Ages : NPR

Interesting article and Fresh Air interview. I loves me some Terry Gross.

Just in Time

After all my freaking out on Saturday, I woke up Sunday morning feeling somewhat resigned to the loss of this cycle. My temp was 97, which was lower, but no sore boobs. I figured I still had a few days to go, if not more.

Then. I got home from church and decided to OPK, but I hadn't done great on reducing my liquids. So I peed and then tried to wait a bit. But I was hungry and planned to eat lunch soon, and lunch necessarily includes more liquids, so I decided I needed to eek out a little more. I did--just barely enough to dip the test stick in up to the line when my pee cup was tilted to the side. The purple started moving up the test window. What? What is that? A second line materializing already? With negative OPKs, the second line doesn't usually start to materialize until the purple background starts fading. But there it was. And it just kept getting darker and darker! It was the most positive result I've ever gotten--the test line way darker than the control.

That was followed by really sore boobs last night. I didn't think I was going to be able to sleep, they were so sore. Thankfully, the soreness faded a little before I went to bed.

My temp was back up to 97.4 this morning, so I'm hoping that means I ovulated last night. My boobs are still a bit sore today, but the OPK was just barely negative. If I did in fact ovulate last night, it was 3.5 days after our last BMS. Not too bad. I would have preferred not quite as long of a gap there. But I'm very thankful that we have a fighting chance this time.

I'll be in Hong Kong when I can test. Boo. I would much rather be somewhere near my hubby so he can rejoice with or comfort me as needed. I might either test right before I leave, which will be 11 dpo, or just wait until I get back (at 18 dpo) and test if my period hasn't come. If I'm not pregnant, AF should come while I'm in Hong Kong.

Another crazy thing--if I am pregnant, my due date will be October 24. Which is my birthday. Our family is plagued with children being born on their parents' birthdays, so I guess I would just be falling into a pattern. At least it's not January--the month when DH and basically half of his extended family--and my dad--all have their birthdays. That month is saturated.