Monday, February 8, 2010

Lost Cycle

I'm still feeling really sad about my low progesterone. My OB emailed me about it last night and said I could "not be effectively ovulating," and this would be the cause of the LPD and low progesterone. She did say it could also just be the long follicular phase. But ineffective ovulation? What the heck does that mean? I just feel sad. And I don't have another person in my house to help me pull out of my crazies and talk sense into me.

I guess a big part of my disappointment is that now I'm fairly certain that this cycle is out. I knew we didn't have great chances, but ovulating just in time and then finding out that the due date would be my birthday both seemed like such good signs. But the low progesterone is not a good sign, and I'm having basically the exact same kinds of cramps on the same days as last cycle. My temperature even spiked this morning, and it spiked around the same time last cycle.

So I just need to get used to the idea that this is another cycle gone, and it's a good thing that I went in for that blood test and realized that I do still have a problem. I guess the good thing is that my problems will likely be helped significantly with clomid, so I'm thinking I'll probably take that next cycle. And that would likely mean an earlier ovulation, so maybe I won't have quite as long of a waiting period.

The waiting is just killer. I can't put enough emphasis behind each of those words, and there's no other good way of saying it. I think sometimes my desire to know that I will be able to get pregnant and when is greater than my desire to actually have a child. If I knew that we would successfully conceive, say, next November, I think that would be easier than the ongoing ups and downs and frustrations and hope we have to wade through now. But that's not the way God likes to do things. I guess we have way more to learn from the uncertainty than the simple act of waiting. And the thing is, our certainty should be in the fact that he loves us and has an astoundingly wonderful plan for us, not in the specific whens and hows.

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